Dating Jokes

My girlfriend has twin 3yo girls. They each have a sippy cup with their names on them. When she's not looking, I switch the cups.

[speed dating] HER: So what do you- ME: How fast can you order a pizza? HER: I don't- ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

how much morning wood, would my girlfriend suck, if she ever sucked and if I had a girlfriend. Whatever.

I can hear my girlfriend in the other room cleaning up my cat's pee. As soon as I think she's done, I'm going to yell out "I'll do it babe!"

Me: Oh yeah, baby. Tie me up and put a blindfold on me...Grrrr. Him: Erm...I'm only here to rob the bank...and I have a boyfriend.

My dentist said I have a very wet mouth. *Updates dating profile.

My boyfriend doesn't like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, "Beard Man" "Jolly Girl" and "the one I slept with in 2009."

Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight? HER: no not yet!! i'm totally free and available ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

The amount of tinder matches I've gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from "Murdering" to "Not Murdering"

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend's parent's house and the toilet water was rising... -My best pickup line

I changed my relationship status to "I'm sharpening my knives" on Facebook so my boyfriend's family will never come visit

[if my cat tweeted] When "over 38" is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don't, you still eat food and that's all that really matters.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman... Batman: Yes, she's a thief, but- A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyonce. *drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

you're her boyfriend?! That's cool! I'm her manfriend!

The guy at the grocery store just asked if I brought my reusable bag with me and I told him its none of his business where my girlfriend is

I covered my boyfriend's laptop in melted cheese and now he's really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

Lately I'm very optimistic about the future of my marriage... I caught my husband on Tinder, so hopefully he'll meet somebody... soon...

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!