Airplane Jokes

A Mexican, Texan, a Brit, and a Spaniard are on a plane... A Mexican, Texan, a Brit, and a Spaniard are on a plane, and suddenly the pilot says, ""We are crashing, but I will be able to land if 3 of you somehow get off."" The 4 people look at each other, doubting anyone will jump. Then, the Brit jumps out, yelling, ""Save the Queen!"" The Spaniard then jumps out yelling, ""Viva la Vida!"" The Texan, in shock of what he saw, is swelling with pride, and yells, ""Remember the Alamo!"" and throws th…

50 bucks is 50 bucks. Lois and Stan have been married for 35 years and every year they go to the state fair when it's in town. This year they have a new ride called 'The Helicopter ride'. $50 for a ride in the helicopter for 25 minutes. Stan really wants to ride it so he asks his wife if they can go. She declines saying that '50 bucks is 50 bucks and we shouldn't spend it on something so frivolous'. He is visibly upset but understands so they go on with the day. The next year they go back and th…

A plane is going down... An airplane of holiday makers is flying over the pacific when the engine fails and takes a nosedive. Everyone dies except for 3: two guys and one girl. They wash up on a beach of a deserted island and set about building a fire, fishing, making a shelter etc. When the sun goes down and they are bored there is only one thing to do, so they do what comes naturally to them . . . This set up continues untill the girl gets sick, soon after she dies. The two guys are alone. So …

A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II... He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to. ""I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg,"" says the officer. ""Oh no,"" cries the pilot, ""lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"" The German confers …

A funny seires of events You have 5 bricks in an airplane and you throw one out the window. How many do you have left? 4. What are the three steps of putting an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door. What are the four steps of putting a deer in the fridge? Open the door, take the elephant out, put the deer in, and close the door. The lion king is having a party for all the animals, which two don't come? The deer and the elephant. A man is crossing a river…

A Plane is Crashing over the Atlantic A plane is halfway between New York and London when the pilot announces to the passengers that two engines have failed, and that they will be making an emergency landing in about 30 minutes. Most of the passengers are relatively calm, except for a woman in the back of the plane, who is in absolute hysterics. She is screaming and crying, until she stands up and shouts, ""Please! Before I die, I want someone in here to make me feel like a real WOMAN!"" A tall,…

A plane is about to crash. (Don't know if this is a repost. If it is, I didn't know.) The pilot of a plane tells the passengers that the plane is going down. A woman frantically gets up from her chair and announces, ""All my life, I've never made sweet passionate love with a man. Before I die, I want someone to really make me feel like a woman."" Just then, a handsome man gets up from his chair. He walks down the aisle to the woman, removes his shirt, and asks her to iron it.

Irish hunters Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, The pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. ""Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."" Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. A few moments a…

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose..... With some luck they managed to bag Six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only Four moose. The two lads objected strongly. ""Last year we shot six as well! The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours!?!"" Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while at…

alaskan moose hunting The story is told of an Alaskan bush pilot who contracted with a group of hunters to transport them and their gear to a remote lake. It was agreed that the pilot would return in ten days to fly the hunting party back to civilization. The pilot was as good as his word and ten days later he taxied up to the dock where the hunters had assembled their gear and trophies. Looking over the cargo the pilot announced, ""you fellas have a problem here. I know I told you when I droppe…

A priest, a cowboy, an airline pilot and a table full of Asians are at a cheesy steakhouse... That's all I've got. A cute girl asked me to finish the joke but I've got nothing. Hive mind have anything?

A helicopter flying over Seattle,with all communication devices down.because of the fog and rain he lost his position. Desperate the pilot writes on a piece of paper ""Where am I?"" and sticks it on the windshield. He sees a tall building and surrounds it. The people inside see the note and hurry to help the pilot and they write on the window: "" You're inside a helicopter "". The pilot makes a loop and safely lands. Everybody is astonished and ask him how did he do it? He said when he saw the m…

Old fighter pilot goes to his great-grandchild's 7th grade class to talk about his experiences. He tells the class, ""I remember one time, me and my squadron was comin' back from escortin' some B-17 and we're almost over the Channel, when one a dem Fokkers come out of a cloud..."" A few kids chuckle at this but the old guy keeps going. ""Me and my wingman took care of him right quick, but then two more Fokkers show up..."" There's more laughter and the teacher's starting to look annoyed; the pil…

So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane. They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking.... ""Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"" And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged. ""aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"" So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant. ""Hey stewardess lady, if b…

the one joke that i just dont get so how bout that airline food

Another airplane joke Not sure if this is already here or not: Obama, Michelle Obama, and Oprah are on a plane. Obama says, 'I'm the President, I'm so rich, and have so much money, I can throw 1 million dollars out and make 1 million people happy.' Michelle Obama said, 'Well since I'm your wife, I can throw 2 million out of this plane and make 2 million people happy.' Oprah said, 'I have my own talk show and give stuff everyday, so I can throw 4 million dollars out of this plane and make 4 milli…

Why did the plane crash? Becuase the pilot was a loaf of bread. Originated from http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/jq58i/iama_request_popsicle_stick_joke_writer/

The Congress Man And The Little Girl [The Congressman and the Little Girl](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/11/the-congress-man-and-the-little-girl/) A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, ""Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."" The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, ""What would you want to talk about?"" ""Oh, I don't know…

Four passengers in a little Cessna. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Palestinian and an Israelite are in a small airplane. Suddenly, one of the engines fails and as a result, the plane starts to lose altitude rapidly. The pilot explains over the intercom that the remaining engine does not have enough power to keep the plane in the air. Which is not good, seeing that there is nothing but sea beneath them for several hundred miles in any direction. So the pilot instructs the passengers to throw any u…

My phone is crap. I put it into airplane mode and threw it up in the air. Worst transformer ever.

A man is sitting on an airplane... and one of the flight attendants takes his drink order and comes back promptly with a coke and some peanuts. As he's sitting there sipping his drink and looking out the window, he hears a chorus of tiny voices: ""*hey man, nice tie!*"" Puzzled, he looks around a bit, fails to locate the source of the interjection, and goes back to drinking his coke. Again, he hears the voices, faint but certain: ""*ya bro, you're really looking good today. have you been working…

Bob has to go on a business trip and books himself a flight on TWA. He boards the plane, finds his seat and gets ready for take-off. A few minutes after the plane is in the air, the flight attendants start going down the aisle to serve drinks. A very attractive stewardess says to Bob, ""Sir would you like some TWA alcoholic beverage, TWA coffee, or TWA soda?"" Bob smiles and winks at the stewardess and says, ""Actually, I would love for you to give me some TWA tea.""

What did the pilot say to the Vietnamese mechanic underneath the plane? "" ""You are the Nguyen beneath my wings""

The Trump family is flying from New York to Washington Donald looks down on the cities below and says ""I think I'll throw a $100 bill out the window and make some American happy."" Melania says ""Oh honey, why not throw ten $10 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"" So then Ivanka says, ""Even better Daddy, throw 100 one dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy? To which the pilot says ""Why don't you all jump out the window and make the whole damn country happy?""

11 Blondes and a brunette There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, ""I'll get off."" The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.