St Peter Jokes

Satan's engineer An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says

St. Peter meets Queen Elizabeth II at the Gates of Heaven and says "Your Highness. I have been waiting…

An Average Day in Heaven God realizes that Heaven is getting pretty crowded and needs a little time for it to settle down so he can add some additions. He tells St. Peter ""Don't let anyone in unless their last day was **really** shitty"

Being very religious the young couple.... ....find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

St. Peter is at the pearly gates and decides no one is getting in unless he hears how they died... So the first guy steps up and St. peter asks ""Alright

A huge beech tree stood next to a cemetery fence on the outskirts of town. One day, two boys filled up a bucket with nuts that had fallen from the branches and sat down next to the tree, out of view from the path that ran alongside the graveyard, to divide up the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one of the boys, sharing out the nuts equally. The bucket was so full that several nuts rolled out towards the fence. Cycling along the path adjacent to the cemetery was a t…

A priest and a rabbi arrived at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said: "Can I help you, gentlemen?" "I hope so," said the priest. "Father Feherty and Rabbi Michaels – we've just died and we would like to be welcomed into Heaven." St Peter studied his clipboard for their names. "I'm afraid not," he said. "You're not on my entry list." "But we must be," they chorused. "We're pillars of our respective faiths." St Peter scratched his head. "I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll send you down to Hell for the ti…

A keen golfer was in the middle of a round when he was suddenly struck by lightning and dropped down dead. When the man reached Heaven, St Peter confessed that the lightning bolt had been meant for his playing partner, but because he didn't want word to get around that God made mistakes, the man would have to return to Earth as someone else. "So," said St Peter, "what do you want to be?" The man gave the matter brief thought before answering: "I'd like to go back as a lesbian." "A lesbian?" quer…

A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?" The soprano answers, "Three." "Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle. "Owl! What was that for?" asks the soprano. Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth." "Oh" says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly …

A jazz player dies and goes to heaven... (no that's not the joke)... Once he gets there, St. Peter points to where the heavenly jazz band is forming. The guy goes there and sees all of the greats that ever lived... Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, everybody! Duke Ellington was conducting the band. "Duke, this is some kind of band! I mean, you've got everybody here! This is great!" "Yeah" Duke replies, "it's okay." The jazz player is shocked. "OK? This is the greatest band ever!" Duke …

Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked. St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?" So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorge…

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "We…

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool. 'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. 'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', sai…

Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur…

There was an Aussie, a Scotsman and an Aborigine driving along, when they rolled the car and the three of them got killed. They went to Heaven and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They explained that they’d been killed and needed a place to stay. St. Peter replied, “I’d love to help you boys but we’re full up after the holiday season. I’m afraid you’ll have to go into Limbo till there’s a vacancy.” The Aussie slipped St. Peter $50 and asked if that’d make any difference. St Peter said, “For th…

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back…

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." "Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment." Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?" A gen…

An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him, "Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best golf course in the universe!" The man's eyes turn cloudy. St. Peter says, "And the weather here is always good." A tear begins to form in the man's eye. St. Peter says, "And there is never any lines of people when you want to golf." A tear starts dropping from the man's other eye. St. Peter hurriedly says, "And your drives go at least 50 yards…

George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?" George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.” With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there …

Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be,…

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. So, Peter asks the first guy, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” “None. I had a perfect marriage.” “Great,” says Peter, “You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” “Only twice, I think,” says the second guy. “Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” “12 times. Maybe 13,” says the third guy. “Okay,”…

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life. Doctor: "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people." St. Peter: "That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?" Nurse: "I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult." St. Peter: "Wonderful. Pl…

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There'…

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place". But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here." The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK". St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 3…