Lincoln Jokes

Bad Luck Lincoln: Comes back from the dead, faces his fear by seeing a concert In Paris

I think we all know Lincoln Chaffee won the Democratic debate last night.

Mr. Isaac's Fourth Grade Class Mr. Isaac's fourth grade class was struggling in Social Studies. During their Civil War unit, he decided to try something to spice up the boring curriculum that was causing the class to fail. He spent all night working on his presentation. He hand sewed a Jefferson Davis costume, and even practiced his accent. The next morning, he started off class as ""Mr. Davis, a real-life veteran of the Civil War."" He launched into his presentation flawlessly, and the kids lov…

What did Lincoln say about his experience at Ford theater? He said it was mind blowing.

Trained dog A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wand…

I'm not saying you're old, but.... Ok guys I need some ammo for my ongoing age war with my business partner. So, I need your help. Here's a few I've used to get you started. I'm not saying you're old, but I did hear that Moses owes u $20. You know it's bad when dirt sees you and says, ""now that's old!!"" What was it like to meet Lincoln? (I thought about changing that to ""shoot Lincoln,"" but I don't wanna start any new conspiracy theories)

Advice My brother came to me for advice concerning a major career change. All I could telll him was, ""Take the shot. Lincoln did.""

Abraham Lincoln walks into a bar... The bartender says, ""Mr. President I am going to have to ask you to leave"" Lincoln asks ""Why is that?"", the bartender replies ""Last time you were around a shot you ended up on the floor""

""Lincoln"" is a terrible movie The main character dies at the end.

At first Lincoln didn't want to be president... ... but he gave it a shot.

I heard Lincoln is doing well in theaters Traditionally, this has not been true.

What did Lincoln say on the last night of his life? ""Aw shit Mary, I need to go see a play tonight like I need a hole in the head...""

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln As he got out of the car, I said to him ""wow, that's a nice car!"" He notices my admiration and says ""Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year.""

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT. A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural-looking open water for the ducks to focus on, somethin…

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, ""I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer."" The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, ""How long were you married?"" He answered, ""24 years."" ""Did you ever cheat on your wife?"", St. Peter asked. The guy said, ""Yeah, 7 times ... …

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son... ""When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."" Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, ""When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.""

Down at the office Bostwick boasted to one of his buddies ""My son Arthur is smarter even than Abraham Lincoln. Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn't say it till he was fifty!""

There was one similarity between Lincoln and Kennedy's assassination that everyone overlooked... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe

Why Indian students are disliked abroad It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: Chandrasekhar :- 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said. 'Very good! Teacher :- Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for th…

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy... Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846. JFK was elected into Congress in 1946. Lincoln was elected President in 1860. JFK was elected President in 1960. Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy. Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln. A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe. --- Credit goes to the …

Which president was the most logical? Lincoln. He made the most cents.

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online. This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores around the property before they headed to a new city. In 1860 Abraham L…

Who is the least guilty U.S. President? Lincoln. He's in a cent!

A plane runs out of gas mid flight... While flying over the mountains, a pilot realizes his plane doesn't have enough gas to make it to the nearest airport. The copilot goes to check on the parachutes, while the pilot explains the situation to the passengers- Abraham Lincoln, Bono, George bush and a little boy and girl. The copilot comes back and informs them that there are only 6 parachutes. The pilot says "I helped fly the plane, so I should get one." The pilot jumps out with a parachute. The…

Hillary Clinton is elected President. On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest" *Hillary laughs in his face* On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Jefferson replies "Remember that governments derive t…