Joseph Jokes

God said too Joseph, come fourth and be granted with enternal life... Joseph came fifth and got a toaster

Why did the Cold War never happen? Because Joseph was Stalin.

Why could Joseph never get anything done? Because he was always Stalin..

So Mary and Joseph finally consummate the marriage Joe checks the sheets, turns to Mary and says, ""You really expect me to believe God broke your hymen?""

So I went skiing with a man in a massive jacket...[Original Joke] So I was going skiing last winter, and I was having a really good time. As I get on the lift to go up to the top of the mountain, a man in a massive puffy cotton jacket sits next to me. Now when I say massive, I mean MASSIVE! I'm not sure how this guy could move, nevermind ski. I start making polite conversation with the man. Turns out his name is Joseph, and he's here on vacation from some tropical place I didn't catch the name o…

A student isn't paying attention in a Chemistry class. The teacher notices this. ""JOSEPH!"" She shouts. Joseph, the student, snaps his head up, to look at the teacher. ""Have you even heard a WORD I've said?!"" she yells. Joseph nods. ""Oh REALLY?! Then, I hope you won't mind telling me and the rest of the class the 116th element on the periodic table!"" Joseph looks at her blankly and goes, ""Uuh...""

I was having trouble with my computer... (I honestly don't know if this is a repeat or not. Don't judge.) ...so I called a neighbor, Joseph, to help. Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, ""So, what was wrong?"" He replied, ""It was an ID ten T error."" I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ""An ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."" Joseph grinned, ""Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T…

A village of glass houses... There once was a village in the middle of a vast open field. The village had survived for centuries based on their tradition and culture. This consisted of specific dances and celebrations, body paint, and the most noticeable and apparent: the use of glass buildings and structures. The people who lived in the village believed in complete and utter honesty. Therefore, telling a lie was punishable by death, and nothing could be hidden from anyone. Everything was out in…

An old man dies and goes to heaven... He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help. ""Yes,"" says the old man, ""I've just died and I was hoping to see my son, who died before me."" ""I'll see what I can do."" says Jesus. ""Can I ask your name?"" ""Oh, it's Joseph."" replies the old man. ""OK,…

A burglar breaks into a house...... He switches on his flashlight to help see what he's doing & as he shines it above the fireplace he sees three items on the wall, very nicely arranged, they are.........a Crucifix, a painting of the Pope, and a photograph of the Vatican. He stifles a yawn & thinks ""Ok, Catholics...I get it & I don't really care as long as I can get some nice stuff here"". He returns to filling his bag, a PS4, some jewelry coffee maker......when, all of a sudden, he…

A Pirate's Tale [Note: this joke is an all-time favorite of mine. Like ""The Aristocrats,"" the artistry to telling this joke is in the embellishment and artistry of spinning an engaging tale to setup the punchline. Your mileage may vary--this is the core of the joke.] Down along a small port town along the boat docks, an assortment of sailors, fishermen, and docksworkers were all having a pint or two after work at the local pub. As the burly bunch enjoyed their drinks and spun tales of their ad…

It sucks that Mary and Joseph couldn't get a room at an inn..... but what were they expecting not having a reservation on Christmas Eve of all nights!

So i've heard that christmas is cancelled this year... ... Joseph confessed everything.

This is the first joke I've ever written. Ol' Paddy walked into the bar, long faced and sullen, after a long day of working on his farm. The bartender asked him, ""Usual whiskey, Paddy?"" ""Not today, John,"" Paddy said. ""The wife has been bleating about wanting another kid, so she's forbidden me from drinking before the deed is done."" ""Well, at least you've got a good shag ahead of you tonight,"" John said. ""But that's just it, I don't know if I can afford another one. The food, the medicin…

Another old jew on the deathbed, He could barely see, only shades, but he could still talk. He turned to his wife and said: -Is David, my oldest son here? *cough* -Yes -is Eli, my middle son here? -Yes, he is here too -is Joseph here too ? -Yes, yes, everyone is here -*cough*, if everyone is here, why is the light in the kitchen on?

Who am I? * My father's name is Joseph. * I have done many things to make my father happy. * I am well known throughout the entire world and I am a common household name. * There is a walk I am very famous for. * Although I have siblings, many people are not familiar with them. * I am regarded by many people around the world as a king. * I have been accused of crimes that were not mine. * I have suffered scars due to the actions of others. * A woman named Mary loved me years before my death. * I…

A different kind of Jewish joke A man, visibly distracted and upset, walks toward his synagogue and finds the rabbi on the front steps. ""Rabbi, rabbi, it's my son!"" ""What is wrong, Joseph, what has happened to your son?"" ""Well, rabbi, he just came back from his Birthright trip to Israel, and he tells me that he's now a Christian!"" The rabbi strokes his beard and says, ""Funny you should mention that. My son too went to Israel, and he too came back a Christian..."" At this moment, a bright …

Hey Joseph, Why you Stalin?

Two men sitting at a bar... Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, ""Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey!"" The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, ""Well I'll be, by chance do you come from Ireland?"" ""I do sir! A round for me and my fellow countryman!"" The bartender pours the pair a shot each. The second man looks at the first and says, ""By chance, did yo…

Gay Joseph and Gay Franz The gay jew Joseph was locked up at the Auschwitz concentration camp. ""Luckily"" he and his SO had been able to both get in the same camp and keep the relationship a secret. Along came the day when Franz was the first one to be picked out by the death squads and sent of to his doom at the crematorium. Kicking and screaming they dragged Franz away from Joseph, one after another the very unlucky followed Franz to their destiny. After they fired up the ovens and Joseph had…

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg? Cause thay had a weigh in the mangor.

A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob. ""What is that?"" asked the teacher. ""The flea,"" answered the artist. ""What flea, dear?"" asked the puzzled teacher. ""The one the Angel told Joseph to take."" Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was : Matthew…

Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt? Yes the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!

Teacher: Why are you late Joseph? Joseph: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Joseph: The sign said ""School Ahead Go Slow!""

A Jesuit a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph put his arm around his shoulder and…