Joseph Jokes

An Englishman And An Irishman *Chances are this has been posted before, but as an Irishman with English roots I've always found it hilarious. Enjoy! :D* An Englishman and an Irishman in two separate cars were driving down a lonely country road on a cold, misty night at 100 kilometers per hour. Neither men were being particularly careful, given the icy conditions, and the result was a terrible crash in which both cars were almost completely destroyed. Miraculously however, both men survived. …

Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger... One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed. Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

So Jesus is walking by the pearly gates... ...when St. Peter calls him over and asks if he can take over for a bit so that he can use the bathroom. Jesus agrees, what harm could there be in it. So after a while, an old man who looks slightly familiar to Jesus walks up to be judged. "What's your name sir?" Jesus asked. The old man replied "I suppose in your language it would be Joseph". Intrigued, Jesus then asked him "And what was your occupation sir?" "I was a carpenter." The old man repl…

Computer trouble I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Joseph, the 14 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again." Joseph grinned, "Haven't you ever…

Sunday School A girl named Emily is sitting in Sunday school, but she just can not stay awake. She falls asleep and the class continues. The teacher asks the class "who died on the cross?" A boy behind Emily sees that she is sleeping and pokes her in the back with a pencil. She yelps out "JESUS CHRIST" "Correct" says the teacher. Emily falls back asleep and the class continues on. Next the teacher asks the class "Who created heaven and earth?" The boy pokes Emily again and she yelps out…

Elephants never forget One day in 1981, a man by the name of Joseph Weston was hiking in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College. As he was hiking, he noticed an elephant in the distance that had its foot hovering in the air. Not wanting to startle the creature, Joseph slowly made his way toward the elephant. When he got close to the elephant, he noticed a large splinter of wood sticking out from the elephant's foot. Acting carefully, Joseph removed the splinter with his knife. After …

A couple of years ago I was about to propose to my girlfriend... A couple of years ago I was about to propose to my girlfriend when all of a sudden my friend Joseph came barging through the door, tripping directly upon my glass coffee table, broken glass all over his face. This completely ruined the mood. Now I haven't known Joe for very long at this point, hell I didn't even know where he was from, but this put my romantic plans on hold while we helped him through his injuries. Joseph had got…

Bagpiper A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods area he became lost. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers fo…

A secretary enters Joseph Stalin's office. He reports, "Comrade Stalin, there's a man who wants to meet you. Says he can see the future." Stalin thinks for a second, then replies, "Shoot that man. If he saw the future, he wouldn’t come."

On the night Jesus was born, Joseph was in a really bad mood Mary had been riding his ass all day

Husband comes with a freshly baked pie to his wife * Here you go my lovely wife, a pie just for you * Thanks.... but... how did you make this? * I baked it. Just for you * But we don't have an oven? * (with a pious look on his face) God helped me bake it * Oh, come on Joseph!!! Not with this again! We've been through this a hundred times!!! * WELL, YOU REALIZE HOW THIS SOUNDS, MARY!

I was about to propose to my girlfriend I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the garden out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of …

Jesus quest When Jesus dies, he arrives in heaven and decides to pay a visit to his adoptive father, Joseph. He looks around for a bit and then finds a carpenter in a corner, working on a piece of wood all alone. He approaches, but he's not sure if he recognizes him, so to make sure it's him, he asks, "Good day, sir, do you have a son by any chance?" The man looks at him and replies, "Yes, even though he wasn't exactly my son. He was a special boy, you know, not like all the other kids...…

I was about to propose to my girlfriend. I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of t…

If Christians are against gay marriage... Why do they always talk about Jesus marryin' Joseph?

Bagpiper A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service, for a homeless man who had no family or friends... The funeral was to be held at a cemetery, in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost. He finally arrived an hour late... He saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the wo…

I was about to propose to my girlfriend... ... when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye fo…

An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper "Do you have any rooms?""

A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech The audience

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth.... Since Jesus is a teenager

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when... I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph bursted into the room. He stumbled and fell over

My roommate Joseph A couple of years ago

A couple of years ago I was about to propose to my girlfriend... A couple of years ago I was about to propose to my girlfriend when all of a sudden my friend Joseph came barging through the door

Her: Come over Joseph!

I was about to propose to my girlfriend I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere