Hell Jokes

Honeymoon So, this woman is getting married the next day. However, her fiance thinks she's a virgin and she's not quite sure what to do. She goes to her Doctor and says ""Doc, my fiance thinks i'm a virgin and we're getting married tomorrow. What do I do?."". Well, says the Doc. You put a rubber band around your thigh and right as he puts it in you snap it!. If he asks what that was just tell him ""that was your virginity snappin"".......She says ok and leaves. The following evening after the ce…

Johnny There was a father and his young son living together since the mother had died of cancer. The son was still getting over his mother's death but was content with living with his dad. One day the son asked if he could sit on his dad's lap while he was working. The dad said no but the boy said ""Mum let me do it all the time."" So the dad relented and let the boy sit on his lap. The next day the dad took a shower and the boy came in and asked if he could shower as well. The dad said ""Fine."…

Two men go hunting... Carl and Miles are strolling through thick woods on the way to their cabin, when they come up on a strange, deep hole in the ground. ""That's weird, you see that?"", says Carl. ""Yea, I wonder how deep it is..."" Miles replies. Carl grabs a small rock and tosses it down the hole. Seconds go by, and no sound is heard. Miles looks at Carl... ""Something heavier"". Both of the men spot an old anchor sitting on the ground a few yards away. Miles grabs it first. ""Jesus this is …

Two friends are out for a drive Steve is driving, and Jeff is in the passenger seat. As they are coming to a red light, Steve instead stomps on the gas, and drives right through it. Jeff is stunned. ""What are you doing?"" ""Don't worry,"" Steve says. ""My brother drives like this."" After a bit they come up on another red light. Steve again speeds up and drives right through it, narrowly missing clipping a few cars. ""What the hell are you doing?!"" Jeff shouts. ""I said don't worry about it!""…

The Old Jew. One day an old jewish man, after many years of work running a small dime store, is eventually about to die. Before he passes away all his family is gathered around his deathbed. Slowly he asks : ""Are you here, my wife, Ahouva ?"". ""Yes I am."" his wife answered. ""Are you here my elder son, Abraham ?"" The old man continued. ""Yes I am, father."" his son replied. ""Are you here, Adiel ?"" ""Yes I am, father"" The younger child replied. ""Is Lavi here ?"" ""Yes he is"" one replied.…

2 friends shipwrecked on a desert island..... ....walking around trying to find help they got captured by a tribute living on that island. The chief of tribute , that is against all laughters, says to them: ""well.. I will give you ONE chance to get out from here alive, what you will need to do is: go into the jungle, and bring me back 50 fruits (each of you) of the same kind under 30 minutes and if you ever laugh during this challenge... you die!"" So the two guys storm into the jungle to find …

A Visit to the Hospital (can be told long or short) A religious man walks into a hospital hoping to do a good deed by visiting the sick. The man has passed the nurse at the front desk and is looking around to find a sick person to cheer up. He looks all over the hospital but he just cant seem to find any sick person that isn't being visited! Finally the man comes to the end of a large hallway and sees a Chinese man laying in bed, hooked up to what seems to be thousands of wires, leads, and tubes…

Kinda long but worth the read. A woman once went to a pet store looking for an animal to buy for her husband for their anniversary. She told the cashier of the situation and the cashier immediately knew of the perfect critter that would make an excellent anniversary gift. He took her to the back of the store and unveiled a small cage. Inside the cage appeared to be just a furball. The woman stared at the furball with a quizzical look on her face. The cashier, seeing as how the woman was confused…

Two construction workers are working on a building... One working on the first floor, and another on the third. The one on the third floor forgot his saw, so he tried to shout to the other for it, but the wind blocked out the sound. He mimed a sawing motion to the guy below. The other guy saw it, pulled down his pants, and started jerkin it. Furious, the guy on the third floor runs down, and shouts ""What the HELL are you doing?!"" The guy looks at him and says ""I was trying to tell you I was c…

Just a broken shovel After being away from his base for a while, the base commander returns and asks his deputy if anything important happened while he was away. ""A handle on a shovel broke"", said the deputy. The commander was slightly confused why he is being told such everyday things, but commented: ""Well, that can be easily replaced. But why was anyone using that shovel? We didn't have any exercises planned."" ""Well, Sir, they were burying the guard dog."" Now the commander wad alarmed: "…

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big ""everything-under-one-roof"" department store looking for a job. The manager says ""Do you have any sales experience?"" The kid says ""Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."" Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. ""You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."" His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, ""How many sales d…

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man …

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. ""Welcome to Heaven"" said St.Peter. ""Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see strangely enough we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."" ""No problem just let me in."" said the woman. ""Well I'd like to …

There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. ""Welcome to Heaven"" said St. Peter. ""Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see strangely enough w…

A man walks into a bar... ...and sits down, placing a bag on the counter. He doesn't make any reference to it and proceeds to order several drinks. The bartender, overcome with curiosity, eventually asks: "So, what's in that bag?" Without saying a word, the man opens the bag and takes out a tiny piano, then a tiny man. The tiny man sits down and plays the most beautiful piano music. In awe, the bartender asks: "How the HELL did you get those?" The man reaches into his bag again and pull…

Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning... ...when a letter was given to him. Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!" Private Williams immediately wept and overcome by emotions, soon fainted. Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him nicer....he wouldn't have been so upset." Two months had passed, Sergeant Jones was running another drill and he received another letter which stated that Private Williams' fat…

The note I came home from the golf course today, and found a note my wife had left on the refrigerator. IT’S NOT WORKING. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. GONE TO STAY WITH MY SISTER I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the HELL is she talking about?

A man's wife goes scuba diving and doesn't return... The police show up the next day and inform the man, "Sir, we have bad news, good news, and even better news." The husband says "Okay, well give me the bad news first." "Well sir, we are sorry to say that your wife has drowned. She is dead, I'm terribly sorry." "Oh no... wait, what's the good news?" "Well sir, we pulled her body out of the water and there were three lobsters attached to the body!" "THATS THE GOOD NEWS!? WHAT THE HELL IS …

I don't like how funerals are usually at 9 or 10 AM. I'm not a mourning person. Edit: WHY THE HELL DID THIS MAKE THE JOKES FRONT PAGE

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity. But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.” So, the Devil cranked up the heat and humidity even more, but the man just took off his coat, smiled again, and said, "Well, this is just like Chicago in the summer." Getting angry now, t…

A husband and wife get into a huge argument. They are calling each other names, swearing, and throwing things at each. Finally the wife grabs a suitcase and throws a bunch of the husband's clothes into it and says, "that's it, I've had enough of you! Take this suitcase and GET THE HELL OUT!" As he's leaving, she says, "I hope you die a slow, painful death. I want you to be miserable for every minute of the rest of your life!" The husband pauses, looks back at his wife with a confused look on…

A couple good ol' boys decide to stop at a saloon on their way through a small town. It’s a crowded dive of a place and the only place to sit was a couple stools next to a spittoon. Bill and Larry were looking forward to some drinks, so they belly up. It quickly became apparent why no one wanted to sit there, as the tobacco-chewing regulars were constantly coming up to use the spittoon. Both guys are three sheets to the wind when Bill tells Larry he’ll give him $20 if he takes a single swig o…

A police officer pulls over a speeding car… The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smil…

What did general Custer and Assad both say to their men? WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THESE TOMAHAWKS COME FROM??

How do you turn tap water into holy water? You boil the HELL out of it! Har har har.