Catholic Church Jokes

Catholic church must be serious. Everything with Mass has gravity, after all.

[Draft Joke] : A Priest and an Ad Man at the bar... A Priest and an Ad Man are sitting at a bar. The Priest asks the Ad Man, ""Can you come up with a tagline that can revive the image of the Catholic Church"". To which the Ad Man says ""Sure, How about............. ""

2 Rabbis Two rabbis are walking down the street when they come to a Catholic church. The sign out front says ""Convert now and get $100!"". One rabbi turns to the other and says ""Perhaps I should consider it."" The other says ""What? Nonsense. They're probably kidding about the money anyway."" The first rabbi nonetheless goes in. His friend sits on a bench and waits for an hour. Eventually the first rabbi emerges with a cross instead of a Star of David around his neck. The 2nd rabbi asks, ""So …

What do the Catholic Church and a bucket of shit have in common? Neither supports gay marriage.

Talk to the Deacon... Time for more awful jokes everyone's favourite billion-member strong religious institution; the Catholic Church! ---------------------------------------------------------------- A large middle-aged man walks into a Catholic church. Clearly in a unclear state of mind, he shakily pulls himself over to the confessional, slides open the door and sits himself down inside the darkened cubicle. The voice of a young priest greets him. ""How can I help you today? Have you come to co…

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: ""Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"" ""And the best of the day te yerself…

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, ""ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either"".

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The Priest respon…

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. ""A priest. Somebody get me a priest!"" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest no minister no man of God of any kind. ""A PRIEST PLEASE!"" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. ""Mr. Policeman"" says the man ""I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years no…

Several years ago the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says ""Madam I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."" ""But Father I have a divine right"" she informs. ""Yes I see. And your left one isn't bad eit…

A few years ago when the Catholic church reform began to be much in the news Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein ""Tell me Becky have you heard by chance what's going on in Rome?"" ""No"" said Mrs Finkelstein. ""I haven't. What's going on in Rome?"" ""A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has among other things decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion of Jesus."" Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. ""Indeed? And who is responsible then?"" ""I'm not sure"" said Mrs. Mosko…

Nescafe and the Pope Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed." "Well," said the Nescafe man,…

Two Rabbis are walking down the street and they walk past a Catholic church advertising a $50 payout for anyone who converts that day... The one Rabbi looks at the other and says, "I think I am going to go in there, convert, and get the 50 dollars." The other Rabbi looks at him in disbelief and says, "You must be joking! Your grandfather was a studious Rabbi in Russia, your father emigrated to this country and also became a Rabbi, and you have spent your whole life studying the Torah to also be…

The Pope's Coffee - From my grandfather Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican . After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'" The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed." "W…

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church... Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." the other replies condescendingl…

a nice Italian couple . . . At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy…

Confession A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Religious traditions Back in the 1950's a Catholic neighbourhood was settling down to eat their Friday night fish when they smelled a delicious steak wafting from the recently-purchased house nearby. The men of the neighbourhood looked and saw their new neighbour having a BBQ. They looked at their fish but remained stoic and ate their regularly scheduled meal. However, this kept going on - Friday after Friday the neighbour cooked a BBQ while they ate fish. They got together to determine what t…

Two Irish men are sitting in bar in New York.... The one Irish man turns to the other and asks him where he is from. The second Irish man responds by saying, " I'm from northern Ireland." "Me too!" Says the first Irish man. He proceeds to ask the second Irish man where he went to school. "St. Mary's Catholic church" "Me too! What year did you graduate?" "1974" "Oh! Me too" they went on for a while discussing the similarities between their lives. One local turns to the bartender and asks, "Wha…

Religion and squirrels There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church …

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"

A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church... The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here." The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass."

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church. Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." the other replies condescendingly:…

My first submission, it used to play well with my father-in-law Two Jewish men, Ari and Hymie, were walking down a city street, whereupon they happened to pass in front of a Catholic church. The church had a big sign out in front saying: **"Convert To Catholicism and Receive $10! Today Only!!"** Hymie stopped and studied the sign with a contemplative look. "No...", said Ari apprehensively, "tell me you're not actually considering converting!" "I've been thinking about this, and today is as…

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either!!"