Catholic Church Jokes

My cousin is so poor.... that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.

A man and his wife are trying to join the Catholic Church... A man and his wife are trying to join the Catholic Church. They meet with the parish priest to talk about conversion, and he lays out some expectations. "In order to join the Church," the priest says, "you must prove your dedication to the Lord by remaining celibate for the next 30 days." "Well," says the man, "that sounds like a difficult challenge, but it will be worth it to be part of this Church." The man and his wife thank the…

Father O'Malley An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of …

My dad just sent me this one, as the squirrels continue to run amok at his non-denominational church. There was once a small town experiencing an overpopulation of squirrels. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the …

Bartender walks into a church A bartender walks into the Catholic church around the corner and enters the confessional. The window slides open and the bartender says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been 15 years since my last confession." The priest says, "And how have you sinned my son?" The bartender says, "I have betrayed the sacred obligation of my craft, which is to listen with an open heart to the woes of others and to offer solace and wise counsel. I have been listening to …

The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' " The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed." "Well," says the Tyson man, "we anti…

Pope died and arrived in heaven St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..." The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..." St. Peter: "The Catholic church... Never heard of it... Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude st…

Starbucks and the Pope Starbucks manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the Papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed." "Well," said the Star…

Two Jewish guys are walking..... when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

An Irish Priest An Irish Priest is Transferred to Iola, Texas. He rose from his bed one morning; It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. So he promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of t…

Several churches were having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will. At the Baptist church, the deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unf…

What time is bed time at the Catholic church? When the big hand touches the little hand!

The seven dwarfs are in church The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear

[NSFW] An Irish man went to confession in St Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father'

Irish Confession An Irish man went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

There is an old town... And the town is built around its Catholic church. Both the church and the town have been around for a pretty long time. They've got a long history. There was an incident a long time ago that led to a citywide law against workers of the Catholic church opening flower shops. But it's a pretty obscure law

My Jewish friend told me this one Two Jewish guys are walking along when one notices a sign on a Catholic Church that says

Why does the Catholic Church have so much money? Because Jesus saves.

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke. Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says ""Convert to Christianity

My cousin is so poor.... that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention

A drunken man.... ......... staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church sits down in a confession box but says nothing.

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church. Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: ""Come to us

A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church... The priest says