Canada Jokes

Canada. Because I love being cold 95% of my life.

I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I'm in Canada

Canada day isn't about cheap jokes, you guys. You're forgetting what the holiday is all aboot.

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

Since Canada isn't making the penny anymore-did the price of a thought just go up to a nickel?

SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I'm in Canada so nah

The east coast is experiencing a "Snowpocalypse" or as Canada calls it "Monday"

Earlier I joked that Toronto was the capital of Canada. "Joked" being the operative word. Everyone knows only real countries have capitals.

Sarah Palin admitted she used to get health care in Canada & Glenn Beck admitted he used to get his human baby sacrifices from Canada.

I have to be honest, before the Winter Olympics I just thought Canada was a place Michael Moore made up.

All I'm saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we're all french toast.

In Canada, every board game is called "Sorry!"

In Canada, Miles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis.

Okay Canada. You've made your point. Will you take winter back now? Please?

I'm glad Canada won. Beating them in hockey would like telling Yo-Yo Ma that the cello sucks. He's a nice dude, let him be into the cello.

USA: "Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?" Canada: "OK." *USA hands Detroit to Canada* *USA quickly walks away.*

Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I'd be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

looks like our killer left his calling card. 5 cents/min to canada, 7c/min to puerto rico. he knows what he's doing.

So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience

Me: So if I call Canada it's billed as international? Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country. Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don't risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.

In Canada, she's Kilometery Cyrus.