Canada Jokes

In Canada we don't have cars. we just float around on apology clouds and nobody ever gets sad or dies.

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who's gonna be the most excited about buildin' a Southern border fence? Canada.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

The minimum wage in Canada is 9 compliments an hour

I find the biggest difference in Canada vs the US is they don't put your lids on for you at Starbucks and exponentially less gun violence.

I bet sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.

Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it's May 13th and it's currently snowing here.

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with "The Revenant", or as it's known in Canada, "Pretty Average Day"

Wife: Hit the light. *flicks switch (wrong light) *flicks another (fan) *flicks (disposer) *flicks (nothing) *flicks (some light in Canada)

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

Ok America. You've made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing. But if we see Kanye 2020 happen... No. More. SYRUP. Love, Canada

Sure, Canada, feel safe now while US is just after oil. Wait 'til we run low on beer, ice, hockey players & f'd up ways to pronounce words.

I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.

On Canada Day, I like to say "HAPPY CANADA DAY!" to people. But quietly. And from a distance. I don't want to be a bother.

The genie Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. ""I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total,"" says the Genie. The Canadian says, ""I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."" With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he …

Heaven and Hell ""Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians."" Bonus: ""Canada could have had it all. They could have had American technology, French cuisine, and British culture. Instead, they ended up with French technology, British cuisine, and American culture.""

For the Canadians (Warning: Offensive) How do you kill a fox with one leg? Make him run across Canada.

Irish hunters Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, The pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. ""Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."" Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. A few moments a…

Snowboarders will Understand Four snowboarders - a German, a Swiss, an Australian, and a Canadian - are taking a chairlift up a mountain. The German boarder pulls out a bottle of beer from his jacket, drinks it, and tosses the empty over the side. ""Ah,"" he sighs. ""We have so much beer in Germany!"" Next the Swiss boarder pulls out a bar of chocolate from his jacket, eats it, and drops the wrapper over the side. ""Mmm,"" he sighs, ""we have so much chocolate in Switzerland!"" So the Australian…

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose..... With some luck they managed to bag Six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only Four moose. The two lads objected strongly. ""Last year we shot six as well! The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours!?!"" Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while at…

An 86 year old man goes in to his yearly checkup. His doctor says, ""You're looking good, how do you feel?"" The old man says, ""I feel *great*. I have a 25 year old wife who's carrying my baby. What do you think about that?"" The doctor says, ""That reminds me of another patient I have who's about your age. He an avid hunter and never misses a season. This past year he went hunting beavers in Canada but when he got to the woods he realized he had forgotten to pack his rifle. To make the best of…

Large tsunami hits Mexico - 300k were killed... ...Canada sends money, Brazilia sends food, USA sends 300k mexicans.

My new neighbour is fat, obnoxious and loud... Now I know how Canada feels

What do you call a Asian born in Canada Ehsian

What borders on silly? Mexico & Canada