Bar Jokes

[bar] HER: wanna get outta here? *winks* ME: hell ya HER: whatya thinkin? ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle HER: what? ME: u scared?

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

I welcome new employees by leaving a candy bar on their desk. Then I drop by later and yell, "Yo, who ate my candy? You're my bitch now!".

A moral compass is just a clock that isn't drunk enough.

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." NSA: "Heard it."

WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am... Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

The worst feeling ever is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are alcohol.

Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in, you are cut off.

When my family says things like...why don't you have kids yet? I say "Because I didn't get drunk & do the football team, Sasha."

Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not

Man outside walmart is asking for donations for the drug and alcohol outreach program You mean there's people who don't have access to them?

If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there's no need to vote for Trump.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

When choosing a bottle of wine, it's good to pick one with a picture of the animal you'd most like to get drunk with on the label.

When your prescription says "DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL WHILE TAKING THIS" how many beers are you really allowed to have? 6?

Don't talk down to me just because I'm drunk on tequila. That's Patronizing.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk. I said yes. That was the shortest job interview I've ever had.

My favorite sushi bar is the one where you can yell "ARF, ARF" like a seal and the chef throws raw fish in your mouth

Remember alcohol is NEVER the answer. "Why can't I get it up?" Okay, sometimes alcohol is the answer.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee'd in their pants

Meanwhile, at the bar: Batman: "Whisky." Aquaman: "Appletini." "WHAT?" "It's vodka, apple schnapps..." "You're off the Justice League."