Bar Jokes

"Just Do It" - Nike/Alcohol

Kids these days have Wikipedia... When I was a kid, all I had was a drunk uncle.

Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.

[flirting w/girl at bar] And that's why [takes sip from elephant sippy cup] I always use a sippy cup [lid falls off and spills juice on me]

Me: There's nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week. Tequila: We're gonna fight every girl in this bar!

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you're hardcore.

Wife: Where are you going? Me: Out. I can't stand being hemmed in by four walls. Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

It's a 10 minute walk from my house to the bar. It is a 2 hour walk from the bar back to my house. It's so weird.

[Interrupts the wedding vows] it's open bar right?

A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test? 1) Yes ) No %) I love you guys M) 8 ) Potato

alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"

A woman drives into a bar.

I'm so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted "Why y'all checkin' me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!"

If we get pulled over this beer is yours. - Dads

I'm not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

Bartender: "Do you want a drink, miss?"nnMe: "What are my choices?"nnBartender: "Yes or No."

Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music Beer: yes you do

My four levels of drunk: 1. Bouncy 2. Slide-y 3. Slurry 4. Turtle stuck on its back

If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they'd sell drugs and alcohol.

I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.

i've got a pilot's licence... and i'm not giving it back to him. luckily he's too drunk to notice.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

I get nervous about DM's asking if it's me in video because: 1. I drink. 2. I sometimes dance when drunk. 3. I'm always white when I dance.