Bar Jokes

[Opens a beer at the park] "Dude. There's kids here." Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

All is fair in drunk and war.

My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.

Every girl I bring home is unemployed, drunk and on drugs. I'm starting to think that whole "opposites attract" thing is bullshit.

Me blacking out when I'm drunk is God's way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

"I want to get drunk in public." "Me too but on pancake batter." "If only there was a way to solve both problems." -The Origin of Eggnog

I'm a hard core Trekkie except instead of Star Trek, alcohol.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

Well this beer isn't going to throw itself up.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

Walk into a bar dressed as a bunny rabbit. Punch the first person who says something to you. You're a wild animal.

The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was

*raises the bar 16 yrs later] Bar: even though you weren't my real father I always wanted to call you, dad. Dad. *me trying not to cry

Just once I'd like to yell, "Don't you know who I am?!" because I'm important, not because I'm drunk and actually forgot.

"hello pretty lady." [i slide down the bar] "what's your name?" i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

STUDENT: what's it like being drunk? TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12. STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI's, the cops won't accept "tradition" as an excuse as to why you're driving drunk.

The Internet is like alcohol, it gives people courage.

Drunk girls shouldn't even be allowed to have phones.

If your idea of a nightcap is passing out drunk on the toilet with a fifth in your hand, we could probably hang out.

My mom always says "Alcohol is your enemy!" Jesus says, "Thou shalt love thy enemy."

The Taliban heavily overestimates the need for monkey-bar training.

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

My top 5 yoga positions 5 Napping Warrior 4 Downward Spiral 3 Crying Plank 2 Farting Tree 1 Drunk Hasselhoff

"Alcohol is just water with feelings in it," said the girl who failed chemistry.