Bar Jokes

*goes to the gym* *takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see* *hurries to the bar*

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don't have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet Right next to the beer fridge

My freshman year of college I farted in a tiny crowded dorm room & a girl's younger sister who was visiting & wasn't even drunk threw up.

Can't believe tomorrow is Take Your Alcohol to Work Day.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar. How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the "I have a PhD" card. Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven't played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I'm Michael Jordan.

[job interview] "What's your greatest weakness?" Alcohol "Umm ok, how about strengths?" *pouring him a shot* Sharing

This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women's bathroom.

I swear to drunk im not Patrick.

Got so drunk last night I woke up on a sidewalk this morning and rolled under a parked car so I could continue sleeping in the shade.

I'm never at a loss for words when I'm drunk. I just can't pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one's.

[at a bar] *sees hot chick check me out* *writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her* *she reads note* "STOP STARING IT'S RUDE"

I've bought drinks for guys and not as an equality thing but because when I'm drunk I forget that money is real.

The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.

Me: I can't seem to lose weight CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street. Drunk people still think there's a sniper somewhere.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. "6 fell down today". Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: "33 is drunk again".

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn't shy and introverted Alcohol: I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that's right...send.

Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Adam Levine walk into a bar.. ..and it burns to the ground and it's finally safe to turn the radio back on.

I don't know if I should go after that ghost or not. ~Drunk Pac-Man

"Of course you're the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol

This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense.