Bar Jokes

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica.... Long story short....Send bail money...

"Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me." -Alcohol

[Bar] "Two long necks please" Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just- Giraffe's wife: Cliff, he didn't mean anything by it please sit down

Three guys walk into a bar. They pretend to hear each other for two hours and then go home

All right, Mr. Bank Guy. My business plan is forcing my pregnant dog to drink beer so its puppies are deformed and I can make money off them

"Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out

Me: I'll take another drink. Bartender: Would you like for me to call you a cab sir? Me: No it's cool he's driving * points at chair*

If any of you guys are considering law school, please keep in mind I passed the bar exam in multiple states & now I'm a purple hippo online

Didn't know which glass of beer was mine so I drank both. I'm a problem solver.

Maybe I'm just drunk, but this toilet looks alot like my neighbors car.

Friend: "Did you bring condoms?" Me: "No need. If I'm drunk enough to talk to a girl, I'm way too drunk to get it up."

The oldest written recipe is for beer. Even when most people couldn't read or write, they knew they had to mark that shit down somehow.

Me: if u take an opinion and subtract 3.14, you're just left with onion. pretty crazy huh Girl at the bar im flirting with: *takes 9 shots*

Sitting with Grandma at the hospital. She noticed me checking my watch and said, "Go on Dummy. I know brunch is almost over at the tit bar."

I don't know why everyone looks so stressed. I tweet and drive all the time. Oh...must be the beer.

Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers... Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.

Me: "Can I buy you a drink?" Her: "I have a boyfriend." Me to barman: "A beer for me and a 'I have a boyfriend' for the lady."

*Jesus sits down at the bar* "The boss says we have to start charging you for water"

Drunk - When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

Oddly enough, when ducks take pictures of themselves, they make the drunk sorority girl face.

Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.

Tornado warnings outside. Good thing I got drunk enough to fight a tornado or else we'd be screwed.

I'm so drunk I can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I'm drunk enough, I'll tell you. ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let's do this.