Bar Jokes

For the longest time I thought a jetski was what people who say "brewski" for "beer" call an airplane.

STAGES OF DRUNK: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don't wake up the cows.

friend: Try this me[takes drink] It's wine friend: Did you detect a hint of anything? me:Alcohol friend: But what did it taste like? me:Wine

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse responds, "Because my daughter just died of leukemia."

This year I'm the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn't seen me standing here for an hour

Damn you bladder stop releasing my precious beer.

[Airport Bar] Me: I'll have a beer, please. Bartender: That'll be $45. Me: Worth it.

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift... She seemed a little upset that I said she should've mailed it ahead of her visit.

*walks into bar with camera* Me: Can I take a shot of this glass? Bartender: Take a pitcher, it'll last longer

I do things for others... Like when I'm drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad? me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be? me: Mad

Daniel Day-Lewis walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll it be?" but he already knows because he's also Daniel-Day Lewis.

Never get drunk before you write your grocery list. You'll end up adding things like "vegetables" and "someone who will marry me."

I don't understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal. I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking According to my bartender, I look great Moral of the story: I'm drunk

With a name like "Earl", I'm more afraid this hurricane will get drunk and beat a pregnant woman, than I am that it will cause flooding.

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it's an emergency me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

[me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

Life is not a FAIRY TALE. If you lose your shoes at midnight, YOU ARE DRUNK

Apparently, the correct reply to "Where've you been it's 3am, you're drunk & have lipstick on your collar" is not "You're next, fatty!"

Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood.... I saw the photos - we need to talk.

I'm at a bar in the United States and there's still a lot of white people who are way too confident with their dancing abilities.

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn't act like five year olds?

If your tweet says "I'm at a bar getting drunk again" with "via web" below it, what do you think are the chances I'm going to believe you?