Bar Jokes

when u r a responsible man so u finger ur throat to puke your beer up so u ain't 2 drunk 2 driver

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

ME: how do u get girls SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know...organ [later at the bar] ME: hey baby i got a real big colon

It says right on the redbull can: do not mix with alcohol. What do we do? We make jager bombs. We are not a species made to last.

Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.

Scientists are now saying climate change is "whatever" and life is "bullshit" and "Judith left me last night, that's why I'm drunk at work".

Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer

They always say to follow your gut, that's why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.

I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.

I've done some pretty stupid things while I've been drunk, but in alcohol's defense, I've done a lot of pretty stupid things sober, too.

Can we all stop pretending that alcohol tastes good?

I'm watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you're smart and don't go.

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A's! Me: No, blood alcohol content.

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

I'm sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it's only a matter of time before nothing happens.

15 out of 12 beers agree I can't do math when I'm drunk.

yeah i like going to the gym. if by gym you mean beer and Netflix. 20 billion RTs 1 trillion favs, rted by the official white house twitter

When a drunk girl in her 20s screams, "Oh my God, I love this song!", you can be sure that song sucks.

"I think this cereal has gone bad." *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

I'm for driverless cars but honestly having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of shit 24/7

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Coolest jobs: 1)Beer maker 2)Secretary of War 3)Ninja 4)Guy who pushes scared skydivers