Bar Jokes

WIFE: Kate's new baby is 7lbs 11oz ME: WIFE: Roughly 12 a stone ME: WIFE: 312 kilos ME: WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer ME: Oh cool

Drunk me used to set a "Mystery Alarm" on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me

Me: I'll have a beer Waiter: it's 10am Me: I'll have a beer and some scrambled eggs

Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer. Him: Mom, I'm doing my homework. Me: *claps* Star! Him: I hate Twitter. Me: *belch* blocked.

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV.. "Bartender, can you get me that drunk?"

Went to my uncle's funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

[Jesus at the bar] "Oh, I'll just have a water" *winks at camera*

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

- 911,what's your emergency? - I'm out of beer! - That's no emergency. - Chest pain? - We'll send an ambulance. - Make sure they bring beer.

Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.

A study says sugar is as addictive as smoking, alcohol and cocaine. Now I have to worry about testing positive for skittles!

Drinking a beer is great, but opening another one is awesome.

Raise the bar ..? Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

If you like drunk girls in really high heels, you may also be attracted to newborn ponies.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents: "Trees. LOL." "I was born once. Pickles." "Spice Girls" "Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one."

Mama said there'd be days like this, and also "knock you out" ??? I don't know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you're right fellas, men are smarter than women.

I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.

[In Bar] Friend: Your fly is down Me: I know, he's going through a messy divorce *glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

*drinking my first beer with my dad* "I can't believe you made me eat the other ones"

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar. Everyone else in the bar leaves.

[At bar] Me: As a joke, I'm gonna pee my pants Wife: Seriously? You're a married man now M: Right...sorry. I'm gonna pee "our" pants #BT140

A Star Wars scene where drunk Luke and Han admit they have no idea what Chewie and R2 are saying, and then they both just start laughing

i put the "alcohol" in "me"

Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.