Bar Jokes

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can't be right.

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I'm drunk?

"Ugh I sent so many drunk carrier pigeons last night" -medieval millennials

It's 11:48 PM. You can't sleep. Underneath your bed, there's a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

Whenever I utter the word 'sober' I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise - it's a nacho bar inside

I am much less afraid of jail when I'm drunk.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. Pee is yellow. Shit is brown. I am drunk. This is a tweet.

You know you're in a shitty bar when the food is colder than your beer.

[sees cute girl at the bar] ok it's go time [makes accidental eye contact with her while pumping myself up with some lunges] dammit. abort

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

A real titty bar would only serve milk.

Leaving Twitter for Facebook is like leaving the bar to go home.

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.

Bartender, I'd like you to bring that brunette at the end of the bar a slice of your finest ham.

Me: i'll have a beer Bartender: ok it's on the house buddy Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i'm not climbing up there again

Alcohol is claiming me as a dependent on his taxes this year.

I wonder if whiskey thinks about me too.

If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.

ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I'll take it

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl] me - "that was an accident can I have my egg back please"

I can convert alcohol into an idiot