Bar Jokes

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

Whoever called it getting drunk and not grunk detting just didn't get it.

why isn't there an app called enablr that allows you to crowdfund your bar tab

"Now officer, hear me out: alcohol is a depressant and cocaine is a stimulant. Therefore, mixed in equal parts, I'm basically sober!"

Sober in an Uber: Please don't talk to me. I don't know you. Drunk in an Uber: I want to get married one day, but I put up emotional walls

I'm still drunk with power after a Jehovah's Witness asked, "'Can I ask you one question?" & I said, "I think you just did," + kept walking.

*Slides a five across the bar* Bartender: Did you... Did you break this off our sign out front? Me: (Confidently) tap water please.

Wife: Are you coming or not? Me: Is there gonna be alcohol? Wife: It's your grandmother's funeral! M:... Wife: NO! Me: Then I'm not coming.

"NO YOU'RE DRUNK," she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend's mom at family dinner.

I've been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink Her: This is a funeral home Me: Without a snack bar

I'm at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think 'bingo

Budweiser should spend less on advertising and more on making their beer not taste like skunk butthole.

Went out drinking at the bar last night. Took a cab home. Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?

Yoga may be the key to your flexibility. Alcohol is the key to mine.

"I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele's new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles." - my neighbor

Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is being at a party and feeling socially awkward.

[cash4gold] Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] "How much is this worth?" "It's 25 carats..." [8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

I don't get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There's never any left when he comes home. Idiot.

There is no "i" in "team," but there is a lot of "alcohol" in my "fridge" because I enjoy abusing my liver.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: "The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago."

Me: I love you Him: you just drank 1/4 of your beer through your nostril Me: that is also true

It's raining I'm pouring. Chick at the bar is whoring. We went to bed, she gave me head. Who says conventions are boring?

[Bar] "What'll you have" Scotch "You want it neat" No thanks *bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky* Thanks