Bar Jokes

Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."

Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before Glee,' almost watchable.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

*friend bites off beer bottle cap at party* HONEY! HONEY!! NOW!! NOW!!! *wife jumps out car with a hundred jars from the fridge*

Me: Saw your bf today "Where?" M: What's the name of that gym next door to the gay bar? "Golds?" M: Yeah, in the gay bar next to Golds

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open WIFE: they don't say that, you're drunk ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

Alcohol won't solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

It's a fun and games til I get super drunk, flip the Monopoly board and tell everyone to get the hell out of my house.

I think this unicorn may be drunk, 'cause he's not making ANY sense!

Can't sleep knowing there's a Toblerone in the mini bar.

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling "YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!" when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

Her: What's a girl gotta do to get a drink? Me: You just give the bartender your order. Her: ... Me: It's really pretty easy. Her: *leaves*

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce -NEVER eats Salad again! *Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning -NEVER reads again!

a beer at yankee stadium is like a monthly mortgage payment in any other state

"What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?" -- inventor of Autocorrect

If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.

[at bar] Gee, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse *nearby horse slams down his whisky* COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY *horse throws the 1st punch*

Alcohol is best served.

if you're in a sports bar but don't understand sports just keep repeating the phrase "damn they gotta get him the ball." everyone will agree

I've never had a beer explode in my car. I've never left a beer alone that long.

Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets *tweets embarrassing sober ones

Someone should tell dudes who pay dominatrixes to belittle them that the Apple Genius Bar is completely free.