Bar Jokes

ME: gimme a double BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar] ME: no I meant a double Scotch BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

[phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted? W: OMG M: I'm in a bar not far from there

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

If you are brave, clever and skillful, go home. You're drunk!

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight. Seriously? Yeah, drunk as hell, bro. Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Saw a "Toby Keith's I Love This Bar" that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I'm done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

They call them "reality shows" but none of them are about drunk people scrolling through meaningless crap on the internet all night.

I got drunk and woke up in the gutter. This is my sewer side note.

I always watch the credits at the end of a movie just to see if there's a chance I got drunk and stumbled onto the set.

Boss: Is that beer? You're not supposed to drink at work! Me: You're not supposed to cheat on your wife. Boss: You're doing a great job.

#ThoughtsInMyHead 1. How much wine can a cat drink? 2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat? 3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

My grocery list tells the story: limes, beer, TP, creamer, donuts, batteries, excedrin, a life.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn't notice the stranger in their midst and I'm feeling so loved rn.

Just once...one time; can't we buy a tree that doesn't try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

I have started a band called Free Beer. When people see our sign 'Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM' I'm sure everyone is going to be there.

I'll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus... See ya at the cemetery!

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul Me: *thinks back to the time I "experimented" in college* I'll take 27 bottles please

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death's door kinda voice. I'ma see if she'll record my voice mail message.

A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it. "I'll take the maple bar, please."

Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put u and I together. Me: It's perfect the way it is with N and O together.