My Phone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways#Technology#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A vegan, a priest, & a rabbi walk into a bar. The vegan pretty much just blabs on & on about how he's a vegan for the next hour. The end.#Food#Religion#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"We need to kill the terrorist NOW" But how.. "The human body is 70% water" Jesus, you know what to do *terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.#Technology#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats? Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky.. No? W: Really? Idiot.#Animals#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming "WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!" *#Animals#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.#Bmw#Food#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.#Walmart#Marriage#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.#Animals#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
i told this girl at the bar that im kinda popular on twitter and she sighed for 17 minutes straight the bartender timed it#Twitter#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I'll play mine.#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
There's an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Take me to a bar on an empty stomach and see how quickly I can become much more entertaining than the entire cast of Jersey Shore.#Jersey Shore#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You'll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
In alcohol's defense, i've done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Life is basically all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee time to whiskey time.#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I've been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I'm still fat.#Food#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another? ME: (OK don't blow this) Sure *she hands me her empty glass & leaves*#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp