Bar Jokes

I used to drink beer in my underwear but now I use a glass.

[at a bar] "I'm meeting my friend Dan" big Dan or Dan who's never has money? [door swings open] HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK

After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back "Listen idiot, you're drunk. Just go lay down"

There are 10 types of people in the world - those who know binary and those who other people talk to in the bar :-)

I'm like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese

[Leaving ballgame] Officer: have you been drinking? Me: Yes, but I assure you officer I can't afford to get drunk there.

Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn't always talking about the liquor.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn't work find alcohol like I did.

My two year old nephew, though adorable, is a pretty violent drunk.

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

it's always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Cops got new drunk driving tests. There's one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, 'Is she attractive?'

[at a bar] CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

Daddy can u get me a drink? "No, you're 5yo you can get your own drink" Fine *goes to fridge "While you're there can you grab me a beer?"

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it. If he's not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I'm going home.

I want to glisten like a Budweiser beer and attract men, but here I am sweating casually for no one.

the girls who tweet their horoscopes every day are the same girls who get drunk and then cry at parties.

America's national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

Don't you hate when someone without kids tells you how to parent? I think I know how much alcohol my kids can handle.

I chug everything I drink just so people can't say I have a problem with alcohol. So you're telling me I have a problem with Pepsi too, mom?

Beer makes me less afraid of clowns.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.

A sushi bar but it's just lots of different puppies you can pick up and pet going round on the conveyor belt.