Bar Jokes

I should've never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can't do shit it's a real problem

Someone needs to open a bar called "The Gym". Then I too can be annoying on Facebook by posting how I'm always at the gym.

LOL pills that say don't take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU suggest I take my medication then?

Alcohol doesn't cause hangovers....waking up does.

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a "ghost" and end up as a "drunk ghost that needs a ride home."

I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That shit's totally different.

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son's dating a scientologist

Cashier: how old r u? Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21 Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can't alcohol be called cereal drink?

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

I drink, therefore I am.... Drunk.

Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?

[party] What exactly does BYOB mean? "Bring your own beer" Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90's kids just yell out "in west Philadelphia born & raised" then u got like 2 min to run

Friend- "You're drunk." Me- *mocking voice* "You're drunk." Friend- "Stop." Me- *morphs into clone of friend* "Stop."

ALCOHOL: The nighttime laughing, slurring, blurring, shouting, pounding head, confidence, so you can turnt shit up medicine.

My wife thinks I'm too drunk to take the goldfish for a walk, but I'll show her!

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school* *teacher walks towards man* "are you expecting a child?" "no thats from all the beer"

If you love someone: 1. Set them free 2. Drunk dial them 3. Read too much into their FB posts 4. Make them feel sorry for you 5. Die alone

Me: One last drink and then I'm off to the petting zoo Her: Aren't you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo? Me: I have kids?

[meeting a girl at the bar] ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I'm brandon GIRL: please let go of my hands

Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?

i have a very sore throat & your suggestion of a shot of whiskey only helped in the way that i no longer care about my extremely sore throat

Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.