Bar Jokes

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She's probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny's again.

*makes sure kids are asleep* *walks out to car* *slowly unwraps candy bar* *hears knock on window* *puts head down* *hands it to them*

there should be a salad bar but with different types of cookies

7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn't come last night. *wipes tear* Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Would've totally banged this chick at the bar, but I noticed she had a crooked pinkie toe. Better luck with someone without standards,babe.

Cops would catch more drunk drivers if they just stood outside with signs that say HONK IF YOU'RE WASTED!

Meanwhile at the drugstore... What do you mean I can't drink alcohol with this medication? You're not a bartender! You're just a pharmacist.

Ever been so drunk that you cooked a pizza at 20 degrees for 350 minutes?

You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

[getting a checkup] DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

Cop: Maybe it's your driving. Maybe you're drunk. Me: Maybe it's Maybelline.

Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

The "walk of shame" should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

Don't have your phone number posted on FB if you don't want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Why don't you make like a tree & get slammed into by my drunk uncle on Halloween 97 why didnt you call a cab Uncle Gary we miss you so much

Sorry Windows. The only thing a "strong" password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

I'd like to think that halfway through Nicole Kidman's last name there's a tiny bar mitzvah.

Me: *eating a Mars bar* Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

It's amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

I'm putting "open bar" on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn't mean u can skip it, slackers.

Me: Ur driving me crazy Crazy: Nah, I'm too drunk