When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.

[girl chatting up guy at bar] girl: so what do you do? magician: i halve a girlfriend

*sees girl at bar* Hey baby, wanna get outta here? "Sure!" Good, you're really killing the vibe.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I'm the bartender.