America Jokes

I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor" married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston...

i wonder if china has fancy plates called america

Dear Britain, This Brexit vote is all wrong If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war. Sincerely, America

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it's tomorrow, in America it's yesterday and in North Korea it's 1980.

Just took a 70% lean meatloaf out of the oven, and now it's supposed to "rest" because in America even our food is fat and lazy.

You know America you kinda brought Bieber on yourselves. There's not enough Canadians to make him go viral. Sorry but thems the truth.

Melania Trump doesn't want to live in the same place as her husband. More than half of America feels the same way.

Joe: Hey Barack, why does Trump wanna ban preshredded cheese Barack: Joe please Joe: TO MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN Barack: I swear to God

If Osama Bin Laden really wanted to cripple America he'd attack Facebook

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way Car Guy: this ain't Pedestria buddy this is America

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa Maria only to find Dora had already explored America.

America leads the world in religious people who use 'bless your heart' as an insult.

Well, it's "Fat Tuesday." But for a lot of America that just means "Tuesday."

It's weird that America has never had a bald eagle president but Australia has had several kangaroo prime ministers (I assume).

[Travels back in time] Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future? Lincoln: United as one nation... Me: Wrong! FATTER.

Make sure you finish all of your math homework, there are dumb kids in America who can't add - parents in China, probably

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

America! Where we celebrate mediocrity! 15 year olds should not be praised for losing 50 pounds while still being 300 plus...

Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with "America" written on it.

If Romney wins I will punch a basket of newborn kittens one by one. Do you want that, America? Do you want kittens to get punched?

Me: How dilated is she? Nurse: 4 centimeters. Me: This is America. Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

Pizza is like racism. America didn't invent it, but it's hard to find a country that does it better.

By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma. On Friday...Canada attacks.

I can't wait to start blaming the GOP for everything wrong in America not being magically fixed upon their election to office.

Santa Claus uses foreign elves to make his toys. It's time to bring those jobs back to America. Huge tariffs coming to the North Pole!