Teacher Jokes

If you teach a Pokemon substitute.. Does that mean you're a substitute teacher?

This linguistics professor was lecturing the class... ""In English,"" he explained, ""a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."" Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up, ""Yeah.....right....""

Student and Teacher Convo Teacher: ""Kids,what does the chicken give you?"" Student: ""Meat!"" Teacher: ""Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"" Student: ""Bacon!"" Teacher: ""Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"" Student: ""Homework!""

I told a joke to my Chemistry teacher. He replied ""Oh man, I slapped my neon that one""

Why did the feminist accuse her teacher of misogyny? Because he'd D graded her.

Proper Manners There was an all male class being held and the teacher decided to pose a question on proper manners. The teacher asks his class, ""If you are on a date with a woman at a nice restaurant and you wish to pee in the bathroom, how do you properly excuse yourself?"" The first student raises his hand and says, ""I'll say I have to go take a piss"". The teacher says that's the wrong answer because it's too rude. The second student raises his hand and says, ""I'll say that have to use the…

The teacher wrote on the board: ""Woman without her man would be nothing."" He asked the students to punctuate the sentence. The boys wrote: ""Woman, without her man, would be nothing"" and the girls wrote: ""Woman, without her, man would be nothing."" The teacher said, ""Punctuation can make all the difference.""

In honor of my cakeday... Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake. What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? ""What's eating you?"" Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!

who's the married one? At class, the teacher explains that there are three birds on a wire. A hunter shoots, once. She asks how many birds are left on the wire. ""None"", says Johnny, ""because he missed the shot and all of the birds got scared and flew away."" She says that was not the answer she was expecting, but she likes his answer. Then Johnny asks: ""There are three ladies on a bench at the park, enjoying popsicles. The first one is licking, the second one is sucking, and the third one is…

[never lie] Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, ""Why are you arguing?"" One boy answers, ""We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."" ""You should be ashamed of yourselves,"" said the teacher, ""When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."" The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. lol

Lesson Counting Finger Hands The teacher asked: ""Now, Susan, how many fingers of your hand?"" Susan: ""Ten."" Teacher: ""Right. Now if you lose four of them, what would you have?"" Susan: ""No more piano lessons.""

Made this up. Feels like a Steven Wright joke... My teacher asked me to use the word ""bucolic"" in a sentence. I said, ""You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"" She replied, ""Yes."" I said, ""I just did.""

Teacher: ""Kids,what does the chicken give you?"" Student: ""Meat!"" Teacher: ""Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"" Student: ""Bacon!"" Teacher: ""Great! An what does the fat cow give you?"" Teacher: ""Kids,what does the chicken give you?"" Student: ""Meat!"" Teacher: ""Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"" Student: ""Bacon!"" Teacher: ""Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"" Student: ""Homework!""

Teacher: ""If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"" Johnny: ""Seven."" Teacher: ""No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"" Johnny: ""Seven."" Teacher: ""Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"" Johnny: ""Six."" Teacher: ""Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"" …

Wedding ring A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, ""If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"" Johnny says, ""None."" The teacher asks, ""Why?"" Johnny says, ""Because the shot scared them all off."" The teacher says, ""No, two, but I like how you're thinking."" Johnny asks the teacher, ""If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her i…

Good manners During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: ""Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"" Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite' What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be …

A singing teacher visited a man's home.... The teacher knocked on the man's door. The man opened it and asked 'What are you here for?'. The singing teacher asked if he would like some singing lessons. The man irately responded with 'I can sing, thanks. In fact I sing all the time.' Surprised, the singing teacher says 'Well apparently your neighbours don't think so - they paid me already.' Fresh from my dad

Looking for a specific joke about research, control subjects, etc. I'm trying to find a telling of a joke I heard that goes something like this. An esteemed professor finishes a research lecture on new medical procedure he has developed that shows some great promise. After a few question answers, a meek voice from the back of the room - a medical student asks the professor why no control subjects were included in the study. The professor, booms into the mic, ""Would you rather I condemned half t…

Professor X walks into a bar >:)

The little boy A little boy named Jake went to school. The teacher asked Jake, are you new? Jake said, I will be new if I was just born. The teacher asked, how old are you? Jake said, I am 6, I am not new, are you blind?

First day of med school It's the first day of med school and a teacher takes the students to a morgue. ""Lesson 1: it's very important that you get used to the human body and are completely at ease with all manner of things."" So he takes his finger and shoves it up a corpse's butt and pulls it out. He then puts his finger in his mouth and sucks it. ""Now all of you do the same."" All the students cringe as they go through one by one. ""Lesson 2: It's even more important that you pay attention. …

Why did the English teacher hire a midget geography nut as his lawyer? He wanted someone who understood *capitals* and *lower* case.

What did the teacher do when his student's baby started crying? The teacher put the kid in a drawer and told the mother she could get it back at the end of the semester - - - http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/35vbw5/so_one_of_the_students_came_in_with_her_kid/

My teacher was gone today on strike... How rude, she has no class!

Geometry Joke. So I was in my Geometry class and my teacher was giving us a ton of homework. So I said to her ""stop being an angle side side."" Edit: thanks hypervelocityvomit.