Teacher Jokes

A little boy in a very catholic school sharted and peed his pants... The teacher promptly hands him a note and says that he has been fined 75 pence for unwarranted behaviour. She further explains that the little boy has to pay 50 cents for sharting and a quarter for peeing his pants. The little boy took the note, read it, but seemed to be somewhat tense. However, a minute later, he walks up to his teacher and hands her 80 cents. The teacher, amused, asks her what the extra 5 cents were for. The …

An elementary teacher told her students that if they could answer the questions correctly they would be dismissed from class. The teacher asked, ""Who said 'A house divided against itself cannot stand'?"" Susan in the front raised her hand and said ""Abraham Lincoln"" and she was allowed to leave. The teacher then asked, ""Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"" Abby, who was also sitting in the front, raised her hand and said ""John F Kennedy…

My teacher told me that my test results were ""absolutely remarkable""... Me: Really? They're that good? Teacher: No they're utterly terrible but we can absolutely get them re-marked by the exam board and turn that F- into an F.

So we were having a religious appreciation day in class today The professor says ""if you're Catholic please stand!"" a few people stand The professor says ""Baptist please stand"" Going to school in the south of course the majority stands The professor says ""If you're Jewish please stand."" And I yell, ""We're not falling for that again!"" I know it's not too funny but I hope it made ya smile a bit

What would you like to be In the grade 3 class Mrs. Gouph was asking the pupils, ""what would you like people to say to you when you are dead?"" Little Jane raised her hand, ""she was a great musician and we all love her!"" John couldn't wait, ""I'd like people to say I was a great baseball player because I always wanted to be one"". The teacher turned to Mike, "" Mike, how about you?"". ""Look, it moves!"", Mike shouted in excitement.

Teacher: Alright! Is everyone ready for the geography quiz? Student: There's a quiz today?!? I'm not ready! Teacher: Well, how much of the textbook have you read? Student: Nunavut!

Meanwhile back in class... Teacher : How much is a gram? Me: Depends on what you are looking for ... Teacher : GET OUT! NOW! Me: So, did you still need that, or naw?

The Little Rascals do some spelling The Little Rascals are sitting in class one day when the teacher decides it's time to do some spelling. She says ""okay students it's time to spell our word of the day. Today's word is DICTATE. Who thinks they can spell it?"" Spanky, being the leader that he is, raises his hand first ""I can teacher!"" -""Ok spanky, go ahead"" -""Dictate. D-y-c.."" The teacher interrupts him and says ""sorry Spanky but that's incorrect. Anyone else?"" -""I think I can!"" procl…

""A man in a wheelchair walks into the room..."" Um, teacher? (*true story, just happened!*)

Book that helped Teacher: ""Which book has helped you the most in your life?"" Student: ""My father's check book!""

Teacher: All Idiots Stand Up A boy stand up Teacher: so are you an idiot ? Boy: No I can't bear you standing alone madam...

The clever boy Boy: Dear sir, I want to ask you something. Teacher: yes boy, ask me, what do you want? Boy: Sir, do you punish anyone for something they did not do? Teacher: No boy. Why should I? Boy: Thank you sir. That's a relief. I haven't done the homework. -

Giotto, the painter, was still in school when his father went to look out for his final results. He went to the Italian teacher and asked ""Miff, How if my fon doing in Italian?"" and she replied: ""You son can't write a single sentence without mistaking something, he can't even read properly!"". Pissed off, he went to the maths teacher and asked: ""Fir, how if my fon at mathf?"" and the teacher replied: ""I consider it a lucky day when your son can count to 10 while his classmates are already s…

In high school, I was very bad at math. I still am, but was bad then as well. I'd score between 2% and 8%. Now, to shame us into doing better, the results used to be announced out publicly from the lowest to the highest marks, and I would always be the 1st Or 2nd to be called out. One day, the Math final papers were being released and my name wasn't among the first to be called out. The teacher got to 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s & 70s. Still my paper had not been called out. Everyone kept looking at …

My first self-made joke A professor asks his students ""If i told you that 90% of Asians end up not getting married , Will you believe that statement ? "" A student rises up and answers ""Yes"" Professor ""Why would you believe that ?"" Student ""Because Asians are smart""

Sharp student A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, ""If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"" Johnny says, ""None."" The teacher asks, ""Why?"" Johnny says, ""Because the shot scared them all off."" The teacher says, ""No, two, but I like how you're thinking."" Johnny asks the teacher, ""If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her …

A Chemistry teacher conducts a surprise test. The students were barely prepared so they end up doing badly on the test. The teacher is angry and says, ""You students can't even write a simple test properly! 50% of you are fools!"" The next day the students look glum and when the teacher asks them why, they say, ""Sir, you had said yesterday that 50% of us are fools, that's why we aren't in a good mood today."" The teacher laughs and says, ""Haha okay then, I take back my words, 50% of you are in…

My teacher told me that two words should never have the same sound. What a homophonic bigot!

Teacher And Student Teacher: who's the big person, you or your dad? Kid: me of course. Teacher: why. Kid: I stopped drinking milk from my mom, dad hasn't.

A science teacher tells his class. A science teacher tells his class, ""Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."" A blonde student responds, ""Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.""

joking guy Teacher to boy: why you are not writing? Boy: Ma'am, I don't has a pen Teacher: Oh! Boy ,you said a wrong sentence. The correct form is I don't have a pen, he doesn't have a pen and we don't have a pen. Boy: oh Ma'am! Who stole all the pens then?!

Engineering in Hell Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; ""It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."" ""Yeah,"" Satan replies. ""All the more for me!"" God replies, ""You better send them up here immediately."" Satan says, ""No way. I'm keeping them."" God says, ""Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."" Satan laughs uproariously, ""Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?""

A Professor was teaching a Health Class... When he posed a question to his students. ""I hope you have all done your reading from last night, so tell me, what part of the human anatomy can expand to four times its smallest size?"" Seeing a girl not paying attention in the middle row of his class, he called on her: ""Susan, you look as if you are very knowledgable in this topic, would you care to answer?"" The girl could only retort ""Are you insinuating that I am a slut? I cannot believe you Pro…

What happened to you little Johnny Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. ""What is your name?"" asked the teacher. ""Jassem"".... answered the kid. ""You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny,"" replied the teacher. In the evening, Jassem returned home. ""How was your day, Jassem?"" asked his mother. ""My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."" ""Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your…

Naughty Boy Teacher said the students to convert the sentence ""I killed a person"" into future tense. Suddenly one of the boys stands up and said, Sir the future tense is ""u will go to jail""!