Science Jokes

If you were on a bus full of queers, Would you stay on or get off? My physics teacher told me that one.

Is it hard to get a degree in hocking loogies? Well, it's snot rocket science.

Don't trust an atom They make up everything.

When I went to chemistry class for the first time, I was not surprised... The classroom poster was periodictable

My physics professor gave us a really difficult exam question about a ball with a changing rate of acceleration. It was a jerk move.

Rationality and irrationality, as we really are? The great scientist Niels Bohr received the Nobel Prize for Physics for his fundamental contributions to understanding atomic structure and quantum mechanics. During the summer he loved to spend some time in his country cottage in Tisvilde (Denmark). Right on the front door of his house he had attached to a nail a horseshoe, the classic lucky charm. Seeing a visitor exclaimed: ""A great scientist as you, truly believes that a horseshoe on the fron…

[Science!] How a quantum physicist went to jail. A cop pulled me over once. ""Son,"" he said, ""you know it's illegal to go 90 in a 35-mph zone."" No question mark at all. Being guilty as hell, I naturally smart-assed the reply, ""How can you tell? You see, quantum mechanics tells us that you cannot determine both an object's position and momentum at the same time. As since all the universe is in motion in the grand ballet of planetary motionsof which Earth is but one humble rockposition is a ve…

Seeing all those protesters/looters in Ferguson and NYC reminded me of these. What would you call the smartest protester in the world? Mildly retarded. What do you call 10 protesters in a circle? A dope ring. What does a protester use for contraception? His personality. What do you call a protester with half a brain? Gifted. Hey, did you hear about the protester who finished high school? Me either. What does the average protester get on an IQ test? Drool. I once asked a protester how …

Two Scientists walk into a bar. The first says *""I'll have a glass of H20.""* The second Scientist says *""I'll have a glass of water, too. Wh...why did you call it H20? I know it's the chemical formula and all, but it's the end of the day and there's no need to intentionally overcomplicate things like that in a situation outside of work.""* The first Scientist stares into his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.

Did you hear about the joke in /r/science? [+][deleted] 5 hours ago

OK so, The martians come to Earth... It turns out they're GREAT guys. We all get along so well and spend the time learning about each other's planets. What's the weather like there, what are sports like here, recipes, ect. Eventually, it comes to where they ask how we go about reproducing and we are of course curious in the Martian way. So the decision is made to have a demonstration (for science) and the Martians are up first. So a big space is cleared out and a whole bunch of Martians come in …

NASA's budget has dramatically increased by 1000 times it was last year.(non seirous duel party joke) January 1st 2015 NASA and reasonable science enthusiasts has for decades been begging the capital hill for an increase in funds to do what they need to be able to do, and capital hill replied for decades ""We'll think about it."" Now it has happened at an unexpected rate. An earlier agreement that capital hill head among both parties was to fund various projects towards the development of the ""…

Your computer science teaching momma is so fat... ... she can flatten a binary tree in O(1).

The scientist a scientist went to a remote island with a dog in order to teach his speaking. Three years later, the scientist returns, and is asked about his experiment; he replied ""woof, woof, woof""

Man needs a new left eye. He goes to the doctor who tells him that with the miracle of modern science, as soon as there's a donor eye available similar to his current eye colour, he'll be able to get a transplant to replace his current glass eye. A few months go by and no news from the doctor, but as luck would have it, the man is driving down the road late at night when he sees a bike is smashed up by the side of the road. Pulling over quickly he sees that the biker is definitely deceased, but …

These 3 Newfies are out fishing in the Atlantic.... ...singing *row row row your boat* when a flying saucer appears and the aliens decide to try an experiment. They fire a beam into the boat that instantly removes a quarter of the Newfie's brains. The Newfies continue fishing and singing *row row row your boat.* The aliens decide to intensify the beam so it removes half of the Newfies' brains. They zap them with the beam and they continue fishing and singing *row row row your boat.* The aliens a…

Good pickup lines. Mathematician: Hey are you a segment because I hope I can bisect you tonight. Scientist: Am I an element in the first family because you just made me go positive for you. Geographer: Are you from Jamaica because you Jamaican me crazy. Astronomer: There's a lot of stars out tonight and your one of them.

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT: ADMINISTRATIUM I found this in my humor folder while cleaning out old files. It's the only one that I didn't see posted previously on Reddit. Hope I didn't just miss it. SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT: ADMINISTRATIUM The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by University physicists here. The element, tentatively named administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that it has atomic number 0 and falls outside the natural patte…

A mountain was next to another mountain.. An earthquake happens and one of the mountains say.. ""It wasn't my fault!"" credit to my awesome science teacher

...in the bathtub. (attach ""in the bathtub"" at the end of the post above this, or alternately, click on the front page and add ""in the bathtub"" to the post titles) This is more of a social experiment than a joke. In my church-going days (way back when) my friend showed me a game where you flip to a random song in the hymn book and add the words ""in the bathtub"" to the end of it. There were some good results like ""Jesus loves me"". I thought I would try the same game here on reddit and see…

Organic Chemistry... You R-O-R get it, or you don't

Hollywood should remake ""Freaky Friday"" between a priest and a scientist. The Title should be ""Converting the Masses""

[NSFW] so my physics teacher was explaining centripetal force using a coat hanger he was trying to balance a penny on the tip of the coat hanger and then spin it around. he couldn't get it to balance so one kid said ""did you miss the coat hanger class in college"" i looked over to my friend and said ""of course he did that class is only for premed""

I'm really glad I'm taking physics... ...because although my grade falling, at least I can calculate it's velocity.

NASA discovers a planet with 2 life forms They named the one of em Babbits, and the other Trids. They noticed a peculiar thing about these lifeforms. Every time a Babbit was next to a Trid, the Babbit would KICK the shit out of the Trid. One day an astronaut is on the planets surface gathering rocks, you know for science. Right about then, a Babbit walks up to the astronaut and kicks him. You know what the astronaut said? *Silly Babbit, kicks are for Trids*