Science Jokes

007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, "The name's Bond, Hydrogen Bond." Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.

scientist: he's going to be identical to you in every way me: every way? [my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

Me: Just a glass of water Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of... yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I'll bring it

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn't he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

*texts son "dont say me" as wife heads to his bedroom* wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

Me; Right, some revision? Son: K Me: Start with chemistry? Him: K Me: Periodic table? Him: K Me:What's the symbol for potassium? Him: Dunno

[Date] Me: You're a scientist? Him: Yeah M: You like chemistry? H: M: Wanna get in my genes? H: M: *slow winks* H: Are you having a stroke?

[Japan] HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste? *distant Godzilla noises*

ME: I want the car's brake lines to rust SCIENTIST: I'm listening ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

I'm no scientist, but I've long held the theory that monkeys are not as smart as humans because they don't have human brains.

Wife: Whatya doin? Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my resume W: You mean Plumber? M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST?

bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don't need to read your science article

If both kids are screaming.... ....both kids are alive. It's science

"Creation science" has the same intellectual heft as "dragon anatomy".

Biology: The science of writing awesome bios.

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it's an existing yeast infection medication.

By not having a 160 character limit, we are missing out on all the good tweets that have 141 through 160 characters. It's science.

[Testing Cat-Human Translator] Scientist: Cat, what is your name? Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don't understand science.

Just found out Fox News's website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

[1st day in Senate] Me: I'm against genetic engineering Scientist: We've developed kids w/ volume knobs Me: How much funding do you need

There's a fine science to the number of texts you need to pretend to be friendly before asking someone for a favor.