Parents Jokes

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent. That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

15: MOM, WHERE'S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?! Me: Name THREE songs & I'll help you look for it. 15: ...

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

[flashback to 1st date] *cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn Me: Popcorn? Her: No thanks. (Mom reaches from row behind) "I'll have some."

When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren't my kids but he'd never fire a Mom of seven, right?

I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility.

trump: ban muslims jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn't the worst parent ever.

2-year-old: Dad? Me: What? 2: Are chickens real? Me: 2: Me: No one knows.

5: "Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants." Me: ... 5: ... Me: "It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Job's all yours."

A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.

I'm dreaming of getting rich like my father. Wow your dad must be a rich man. No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

*holds flashlight under chin Me: suddenly the mystery of... Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins *drops flashlight Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

Disney couldn't handle my awesome script. Kylo Ren was Rey's father. Finn was her brother. Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son. "Sir this is Urban Outfitters" Do you have any 'baes'? "Please leave"

7 is asleep, 8 is on his iPad, and 12 is all like "hey dad, why don't you remember our names"

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight *checks phone* Jesus: WHO IN DAD'S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!" *judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

Ironman is my favorite story about how sleep deprivation can make you a sarcastic, neurotic superhero without being a parent.

My mother would give you 11 dollars for a dog turd if you told her it normally costs 15.

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can't wait to do this to my kids.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help M: My son broke his leg! V: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck

What'sApp Me: Mom, what's for dinner? Mom : typing ... *gets married* *have kids* *gets old* *dies* *goes to hell* Mom: Fish, honey!

[hospital] "Did my dad make it, doctor?" Billy, your dad's in a better place now. [crying] "HE'S DEAD?" Haha no, he went to Disney World.

When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was "interested in men" I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies

Billy: Hi! What's your name? Johnny: Johnny. B: Hey, what's THAT? J: An iPhone 4. Mom: Who's your new friend, Billy? B: Johnny. He's poor.