Mrs Jokes

""Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."" Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. ""Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."" ""Impossible,"" she cried,…

Kylie Jenner Walks into a restaurant Kylie Jenner walks into a restaurant where she has made a reservation. The waiter greets her politely, and says, ""Right this way Mrs. Jenner"" and begins leader her to her table. ""Please,"" she says, ""Mrs. Jenner is my father. Call me Kylie.

""Mrs. Arnold Palmer, what do you do for good luck before your husband plays a tournament?"" ""Well, I kiss his balls for good luck."" ""That must make his putter flutter.""

Mrs. Jones on the witness stand. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you h…

Little Jimmy was playing with a friend on the playground, when his friend asked him a question.... ""Do you know what purple passion is? I heard about it on TV and my mom won't answer me."" ""No."" replied Jimmy ""However, I can ask the teacher!"" and with that jimmy was off to ask his teacher. ""Mrs. Teacher, my friend asked me a question and I don't know the answer, would you happen to know the answer?"" Jimmy asked. ""I may, what is the question Jimmy?"" ""What is purple passion?"" When Jimmy…

The Purple Butterflies Timmy was on his way to school one bright summer day and had a giant smile on his face. His parents watched from the doorway, waving, and smiling as there son disappeared into this distance. On his way he meets up with his friends and they all begin talking. He looks over and sees a purple butterfly flying around for a moment, before disappearing behind some bushes. The bell rings and he runs inside. ""How are you Timmy?"" Lucy asks him. ""Good,"" he grins. ""Have you ever…

Joke by former president Calvin Coolidge The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm. When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, ""Dozens of times each day."" Mrs. Coolidge said, ""Tell that to the President when he comes by."" Upon being told, the President asked, ""Same hen every time?"" The reply was, ""Oh, no, Mr. Pre…

""She's a Veterinarian."" Every Sunday morning a little old lady places $1,000 in the donation box at church. After a few weeks the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approaches her. ""Mrs. Smythe, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box.'"" ""Why yes,"" she replied, ""every week my daughter sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."" ""That's wonderful, how much does she send you?"" ""At least $2,000 a week."" ""And what does she do for a livi…

An elderly woman is called to the stand.... In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,""Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"" She responded, ""Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a small boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brain…

""Help me, I'm slowly turning into a ghost from the top down."" -Mrs. Butterworth

Forgiving Your Enemies Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, ""How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. ""Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"" ""I don't have any,"" she replied, smiling sweetly. ""Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"" ""Ninety-eight,"" she replied. ""Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and…

Way of thinking (Little Johnny) Little Johnny was at his class (Fourth Grade) during calculus. His teacher asks the class a question: -If there are 3 birds sitting on a tree and a bad hunter shoots one, how many birds will be left on the tree? Little Helen raises her hand immediately full of excitement and answers that there will be 2 birds left so her teacher says: -that is correct. Little Johnny, though, raises his hand right away full of anger and says to the teacher:-I think that none of the…

There was a man who got a job as a... ...hotel receptionist and his boss was giving him some tips the day before his very first shift. One of the tips was: ""When showing the guests to their rooms, always be polite and say their names which is usually situated on the label on their suitcases."" After hearing this, the receptionist started his job the next day and led his first guests to their room. Remembering what his boss said, he looked at the label on their suitcase and said: ""Welcome to ou…

a cop pulls over a innocent old women on the highway the officer says mrs. do you know how fast you were going when he notices a small glare coming from the open glove compartment. then the officer says ma'am are you carrying any weapons with you today. the old women says yes, i have a glock in the glove compartment, a 45 under the seat and a 22 caliber pistol in my purse. the officer then precedes to ask what she is afraid of. the innocent old lady says ""not a damn thing"".

Sundae An elderly couple is sitting in their living room, when the Mrs gets an idea. ""Honey,"" she exclaimed, ""Would you mind going out and picking me up an ice cream sundae?"" ""Sure,"" He says, ""I've got nothing else better to do."" ""But I want a special sundae, would you like me to write it down?"" ""No thanks"", he says ""What do you want on it?"" ""First I want it so that there is chocolate ice cream on one side, and then vanilla in the middle, and strawberry on the other side. Are you …

A frog goes into a bank... A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, ""Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."" Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says ""$30,000."" The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti exp…

Grandmas and lawyers Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer! In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; ""Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"" She responded, ""Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind th…

A man calls home from work to talk to his wife... When a woman picks up the phone, he assumes that it is that of the new maid his wife hired. He asks to talk to his wife. The maid says ""I'm sorry, the Mrs. is in bed with her husband."" ""What! I'm her husband!"" ""Well who is she in bed with?"" ""I don't know. Do you want to make $50K really fast?"" ""Ok."" ""I want you to take the shotgun that's behind my desk, and then I want you to kill them both!"" The maid agrees to do this, and sure enoug…

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always ""Just some friends from work, you don't know them"". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car roun…

Short comical narrative I wrote The detective's heels clicked on the cement steps as he approached the door. The deputy ducked under the police line behind him. He knocked and the door was slowly opened by the woman. The blue and red lights were reflected in her wet eyes. ""Mrs. Johnson?"" He asked. ""Yes. . . ?"" The woman replies. ""Detective White."" He held up his polished badge. ""Oh, come in."" She stepped aside. Several officers standing in the kitchen nodded to the detective as he entere…

Call from the doctor's office ""Mrs. Smith, this the your family doctor's office. When we sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Smith arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."" ""What do you mean?"" Mrs. Smith asks nervously. ""Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."" ""That's drea…

I was at the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ""I love you.' She said, ""Is that you or the beer talking?"" I replied, ""It's me... talking to the beer!""

Interested in seeing the ""North Pole""? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 5. A mouse tr…

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his annual physical. After awhile, the doctor came out and said: ""Mrs. Garcia, nurse is helping your husband with his clothes and would be out in a minute. As far as I can tell, he is in excellent health for his age. However, I am curious about something."" The woman said: ""Yes Doctor, what is it?"" The doctor said: ""During the examination, Mr. Garcia said he was pleased that the bathroom lights came…