Mr Smith Jokes

Call from the doctor's office ""Mrs. Smith, this the your family doctor's office. When we sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Smith arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."" ""What do you mean?"" Mrs. Smith asks nervously. ""Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."" ""That's drea…

Mrs Smith & The Expert. The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and they decide to get in some help, by way of a man who is supposed to be an expert in what is needed. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, ""I'm off. The expert should be here soon."" Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell. Mrs. Smith: ""Good morning."" Salesman: ""Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."" Mrs. Smith: (Interrupting) ""No need to explain, I've been expecting you."" S…

Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation... One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, ""We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."" Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, ""Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."" The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, ""Barbara, I'v…

Taking his son golfing Mr. Smith was a bad golfer, but God help him, he still loved to play the game. One weekend morning, his wife couldn't look after their son, so he agreed to bring him along, and have him act as his caddy. When they got to the course, he pulled his son aside and handed him a scorecard. ""Here's the scorecard Timmy. I need to you write down the number I tell you for each hole, OK?"" ""OK Daddy!"" His son replied. So they went out and boy, oh boy was it a bad day for Mr. Smith…

When everyone was giving apples to their teachers, I was the one giving cucumbers... Still to this day, Mr. Smith won't look me in the eyes.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ""I'm off. The man should be here soon"". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ""Good morning madam. I've come to......"" ""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"" Mrs. Smith cut in. ""Really?"" the photographer asked. ""Well, goo…

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, ""I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."" ""What do you mean?"" ""Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't t…

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him, ""I'm very sorry, sir, but we've had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife's samples to the lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we're not sure which results are your wife's. But, frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!"" ""What do you mean?"" said Mr. Smith. ""Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs. Smith h…

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: ""What is the usual tip?"" ""Well,"" replied the youth, ""this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."" ""Is that so?"" snorted Mr. Smith. ""Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."" ""Thanks,"" replied the youth, ""I'll put this in my school fund."" ""What are you studyin…

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital) and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed. ""Mr. Smith you're going to be just fine"" said the nun gently patting his hand. ""We do need to know however how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"" ""No I'm not"" the man whispered hoarsely. ""Then can you pay in cash?"" per…

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error the tech called the farmer directly. ""Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2025 pigs?"" she asked. ""Yeth."" lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself the tech entered: ""Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.""

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him t…

Go tell Mrs. Smith . . . Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Mr. Jones looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife? They cut the cards. Mr. Miller picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make …

A man and a woman go scuba diving for their honeymoon..... ... and they are having the absolute time of their life. The fish, the coral- it's all just wonderful. But then, out of nowhere, they hear a great rumbling, look behind them, and see a cruise ship headed straight for them! They separate, one to each side of the massive ship. When the ship passes, the husband looks around, but the wife is nowhere to be seen. He looks, swimming for hours, almost exhausting his tank, but he can't find her…

Lawyer Joke The phone rings at Smith and Associates Law Firm. The receptionist answers, and the voice on the other end says"I'd like to speak to Mr. Smith the lawyer please." The receptionist asks in a somber tone,"Are you a client of Mr. Smith's?" "No," the caller says "but my ex wife was." the receptionist responds, "I'm deeply saddened to inform you that Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Thank you," the caller says and hangs up. Only minutes later, the receptionist picks up the phone to he…

Leaving a Light On An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?" "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me." Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said. "I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she s…

Surrogate Father The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am,' he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've b…

Little Ryan and Candice are only 10 years old but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Ryan goes to Candice's father to ask him for her hand. Ryan bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Candice are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Ryan, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it Ryan r…

The Smiths invite the Jones' over for dinner... After dinner, Mrs. Smith is cleaning dishes in the kitchen while Mr. Smith entertains their guests. He begins to tell them about a great restaurant that he recently went to with his wife, but can't remember the name of the establishment. Mr. Smith: "The food was amazing, great service, but I can't recall the name! Help me out... what's that red flower, it's really fragrant, and people give them out on Valentine's Day?" The Jones': "You mean a r…

Johnny finally decides to marry Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a mom…

The phone rings... ...and the lady of the house answers. "Hello." "May I speak with Mrs. Smith please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor Kent at Metro Labs. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, we also received a biopsy from another Mr. Smith as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for …

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old... but they just know they are in love. One day, they decide they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, 'my Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.' Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies, 'Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?' Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies,…

A Chinese man dies and goes to hell He arrives in time for Hell orientation. As he walks into the orientation room, he looks around and finds an empty seat and sits down. The orientation staff woman starts off the meeting with a roll-call: "Do we have Mr. Johnson present?" "Here," says a man. "Mr. Smith?" "Present," responds another man. "What about Mr. Wong?" The Chinese man replies, "Here," just as another Chinese man raises his hand says, "Here," as well. "Oh my," says the orientati…

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man... Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view. As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock. Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to ask what's wrong. "Excuse me, Son? Why are you crying?" He asks gently. The boy wipes away his tears and replies, "Oh, there's just a lot of things going wrong in my life right …

Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem. 'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.' 'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...' 'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who w…