London Jokes

An Irish cop and an English lawyer London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense! Irish cop says, "License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." …

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain …

An Englishman and a Dutchman are sitting in a pub. The Dutchman says to the Englishman, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?” The Englishman replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the pub, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar, and the gals practically throw themselves at me.” The Dutchman says “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?” The Englishman replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amaz…

It'd be best to never underestimate a Scottish police officer. A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish police officer. He thinks that he is smarter than the officer because he is a lawyer from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish policeman. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish officer's expense. The Scottish policeman says, "License and registration, please." And the London Lawyer says, "What for…

Bob and Joe Erect Signs and Lettering on Buildings… Bob and Joe erect signs and lettering on office buildings and factories. One afternoon, Joe is high on a ladder putting up lettering outside ‘Johnson and Pollocks Engineering.’ He’s got as far as ‘Johnson and’ so he shouts down to Bob, “Hey Bob, pass up the letter P will you?” Bob looks around the back of the van, searching high and low, then shouts back, “I can’t find a P. The only spare letter I can find is a B!” “Oh shit,” shouts down Jo…

A man arrives at the pearly gates of heaven St. Peter asks him if he's done any good. The man says no. So St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery. The man says, "I was refereeing a match in London between England and Germany. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play when I awarded a penalty against England." "Yes," responds St. Peter, "That was a real act of bravery. Can you tell me when this took place?" "Certainly," the man replies. "About three minutes…

Lady Crofton-Smythe was giving an upper-crust party, and had hired Lena, a girl recently come to London from County Cork, as a maid. As Lena was setting up the tea service, Lady Crofton-Smythe told her to be certain that there were sugar tongs available. Lena had never heard of sugar tongs, and asked the Lady what they were and why they were used. Lady Crofton-Smythe, always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened, told Lena that the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to …

“There has been a lot of burglaries in London recently. Any advice, Dr. Watson?” Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock Homes.

The Fonz Henry Winkler was flying from London to New York and started to feel cold. He requested a blanket and pillow from the flight attendant. Upon returning with these items the flight attendant asked, “Would you like some headphones?” “I would love that!” he replied. “But it’s pronounced ‘Fonz’.”

It would be best to keep on the good side of a Scottish cop. A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense!  Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a c…

Did you know that Paper Mario and Paper Luigi used to rent an apartment in London? They were flatmates.

Recently, I was flying into Barcelona from London, and as we were descending to land we passed through some very dark clouds. The plane began to be buffeted by turbulence like I’ve never experienced before in my life. Suddenly, a blinding light exploded outside and an explosion of noise enveloped us. Lighting had struck the plane! The cabin erupted in screams and cries as the plane dropped hundreds of feet in a single moment, but the worse was yet to come. The strike seemed to have impacted th…

Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.” “Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.” “Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favorite pub, the m…

Bizarre scenes in London tonight as several hundred tonnes of sound insulation have been dumped outside Scotland Yard ​ ​ ​ Police say they're completely baffled.

Knock knock Knock knock Who's there? Ah. Ah who? ... Werewolves of London!

An American after staying in London for a month asked a local " Why do British eat like German planes are still flying overhead" ? The briton replied " why do Americans eat like they have free healthcare" ?

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds. “The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Singh, “and I have all the necessary papers.” The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan…

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London. On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though. Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.

From now on I will write all my jokes in capitals… This one was written in London

Here's one for those born before the 1980's... The chief of a large Western African tribe flew into London for a state visit and was being interviewed. “Welcome to our country, Your Excellency,” said one reporter. “Did you have a good flight?” The Chief made a strange series of sounds – bells, whistles, hisses, pings in no apparent order – before answering in fluent English, “Yes, pleasant enough indeed.” “How long do you intend to stay in England for?” The Chief let out the same mysteri…

Tired An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks on the front lines. The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat. The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog. The weary soldier asked, “Please ma’am. May I sit in the seat?” T…

Just been to London and had a terrible time. Joined a queue for the public toilets. Had to wait 12 hours and at the end of it four blokes in uniform tackled me to the ground before I could even get a good stream going.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!! Irish Garda says," License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down…

Two men entered heaven… and Saint Peter said to the first, “Please tell me your name, your occupation, and where you lived during most of your mortal life” the first man replied, saying, “Harry Jones, Taxi Driver, Southeast London.” Saint Peter said, “Ah yes, now take your silk robe and golden staff and enter the holy gates of the Silver City!” Harry then said, “Aw nice one geezer, cheers!” and walked through the golden gates. Saint Peter then said, “And who might you be?” to the second man…