London Jokes

Scotland or Whales?,"I was having a couple of drinks in a London pub on a Saturday night. I noticed to very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, ""Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"" One of them turned to me and screamed, ""It's Wales, you idiot!"" So, I immediately apologized, and said, ""Sorry are you two whales from Scotland?""

Why are the buses in London red? You'd be too if you came every 10 minutes.

What's black and eats banana's? Apparently half of London

Scotland or Whales? I was having a couple of drinks in a London pub on a Saturday night. I noticed to very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's Wales, you idiot!" So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

What do you get for opening the BEST Vietnamese soup joint in London? A great big pho queue.

Did you know someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds? I feel bad for the poor fella.

What do you call the inhabitants of London? Arabs

What's black and dosent work? Half of London

Did you hear about the guy who got a job at a paperless office? – Everything was great until he needed a shit. A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked. Jay London

A Scotsman had recently moved into an apartment in London. One day his mother phoned from Aberdeen and asked him how he was settling in. "It's not too bad," he said, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall." "Never you mind, son, don't let them get to you. Simply ignore them." "Aye, that I do. I just keep playing my bagpipes." The Beijing Olympics opening ceremony was scary. All those tracksuits and explosions…

Barack Obama flew to London to meet Gordon Brown. Halfway through the motorcade along the streets of the English capital, Obama leaned over to Brown and whispered: "I desperately need a pee." "No problem," said Brown who immediately relayed instructions in the driver's ear. Seconds later, the car drew to a halt outside an impressive building and Brown led Obama inside. The interior of the building featured a huge marble hall with an ornate fountain and beautiful tapestries hanging on the walls. …

The French government announced after the London bombings that it had raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling its military.

A Frenchman went into a library in London and asked for a book on war. The librarian said: "No, mate, you'll lose it."

A middle-aged guy who was bald bought a hairpiece in the hope that it would make him more attractive to women. That night he took it for its first outing to a singles bar, where he picked up a pretty young woman and took her back to his apartment. To get her into the mood, he switched off the lights but as they started fumbling passionately in the dark, he realized to his horror that his toupee had fallen off. He began groping frantically for it, hoping to put it back on his head before the girl…

Leaving Hillary back home, Bill went on a fact-finding trip to Europe. As his private plane approached London Heathrow, the captain made his customary announcement. "Mr Clinton, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?" Hillary went to a fortune teller who revealed: "I have some bad news. Bill is going to die a horrible death." Hillary said: "Just tell me one thing. Will I be acquitted?"

Fearing that he would be late for an important business meeting in London, a motorist was beginning to panic because he couldn't find a parking space. Street after street was full, and growing ever more desperate, he decided to seek help from the Almighty. Looking up to Heaven, he said: "Lord, please help me out here. If you find me a parking space, I'll give up drink and women and go to Mass every Sunday." Then as he turned the corner, miraculously a parking space appeared. He looked skyward ag…

It was mealtime during a British Airways flight from London to New York. As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: "Would you like dinner?" "What are my choices?" said the passenger. "Yes or no," replied the flight attendant. You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says, 'Back in five minutes.' Jeff Foxworthy

A woman went into a bank in London wishing to loan $3,000 for one month. The loan officer said that he would require collateral. The woman says, “I have a Ferrari; here are a set of keys. Keep it until I repay the loan.” The loan is authorized and the Ferrari driven away for safe keeping. The woman returns one month later, pays the $3,000 loan together with $20 interest and the car is returned to her. Clearly puzzled, the loan officer says to her, “With respect, madam, I don't understand why som…

Three paddy's (irish men) are in London looking for work on a building site. The first Paddy (the smart one) goes in to see the foreman. The conversation starts. Foreman - "so then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day". Paddy - "that would be 200 brick in a day sir". Foreman - "good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but, before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man, so take a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange about m…

Wife: “I am going to London. What gift do u want?” Husband: “A British girl” (Wife returns to India) Husband: “Where is my gift?” Wife: “Wait for nine months!”

A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat? Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. 499. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make? A wind tunnel. 500. How do you confuse a blonde? Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner. 501. How does a blonde try to kill a fish? She drowns it.