Beijing Jokes

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

264 students died in a school fire... in Beijing earlier today. The most tragic thing was they all got out safely, ran around the building, and then ran back inside.

Last year, Taylor Swift went on a world tour called TS 1989 That must've been an awkward stop in Beijing

Secrets to a long marriage With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years. The husband shyly stood and turned to the audience: ""Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."" The minister inquired, ""Trips to where?"" ""Well,"" the man says, ""for our 25th anniversary, I took …

The brother-in law. Fair warning, I just wrote this song after a ""few"" many drinks. _________________________________________________ So, there once was a man named John, living in Kansas. He'd lived his life in the ""right way,"" whatever that means. He went to school, never did drugs, never drank underage, always went to church, went on to a good college, and eventually to a great job at a great company. However, throughout all of his life he had never found ""the one."" Always, there was a …

I heard on the radio that protestors in Beijing are demanding authentic democratic reforms. Unfortunately, all they can get is cheap Chinese knockoffs.

Did you hear about the mishap at the Asia Summit? The Chinese government is seeking answers after the recent Beijing Conference. Apparently, several of Obama's and Putin's private bodyguards were the last to use one of the royal toilets before it was reported clogged. Obama announced that he will ask congress to create a commission to investigate the incident while Putin denies that his forces ever entered the bathroom.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t awarded the gold medal. The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

Did you hear about the school that burned down in Beijing China?

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about. It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing? To get some fresh air

Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes? To get a breath of filtered air.

You have to congratulate swimmer Michael Phelps for winning a record eight medals at the Beijing Olympics, but isn't it strange seeing a white man wearing that much gold? We were playing the Olympics on the PlayStation and out of respect for the Paralympics, we broke two of the buttons. Jason Manford

Before a gymnastics event at the Beijing Olympics, an American athlete was sitting next to a Chinese athlete in the locker room. The American said: "Everyone in the States says China has a human rights problem. Is that true?" "I'm afraid so," replied the Chinese athlete. "In our legal system, it is hard to get a fair trial. The judges decide who has won before the trial even takes place." "That's terrible," said the American. "What a way to live!" In an attempt to lighten the mood, the Chinese a…

A Scotsman had recently moved into an apartment in London. One day his mother phoned from Aberdeen and asked him how he was settling in. "It's not too bad," he said, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall." "Never you mind, son, don't let them get to you. Simply ignore them." "Aye, that I do. I just keep playing my bagpipes." The Beijing Olympics opening ceremony was scary. All those tracksuits and explosions…

A major row broke out among the Irish synchronized swimming team at the Beijing Olympics. Paddy accused Mick of copying him. Two Irishmen fell down a well. "It's dark down here, isn't it?" said one. "I don't know," said the other. "I can't see a thing."

George W. Bush arrived in Beijing for the 2008 Olympics. When a reporter asked him if he liked the decathlon, he said he preferred regular coffee. People say, 'Can you really imagine the United States of America having a black President?' And I say, 'Why not? We just had a retarded one.' Chris Rock

David Beckham was flying out to the Beijing Olympics. A reporter asked him whether he was taking chopsticks. David replied: "No, she's staying at home with the kids."