Victoria and David Beckham were getting ready to attend a glittering awards ceremony when she turned to him and said: "This tampon. Does it make me look fat?" Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up. Frankie Boyle

The England national soccer team were meeting ahead of a game in Germany. David Beckham asked the coach: "Where is Michael Owen?" The coach replied: "He's gone to get a tetanus injection." "Oh," said David. "I might just get a new car myself while I'm here." If you asked David Beckham to recite the alphabet backwards, he'd turn around and recite the alphabet. Frankie Boyle

I'm glad David married me for my brains. My glorius, perky, bouncy brains.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I'm gonna sting him BEE WIFE:Just leave it David