London Jokes

Terrorists hijack a plane flying into London. They tell everyone to raise their hands over their heads if they are British or American. They wanted French people too but they already had their hands up.

Falklands Heroes Three soldiers of the Falklands Conflict saved their battalion from a minefield, and their commanding officer decided to reward them. They were waiting for their CO in his office in London when he strolled in. ""Well chaps, since this wasn't officially a war I can't give you any medals. So, I will measure the distance between any two points of your body, and give you five times that measurement in Pounds Sterling."" The first soldier decided almost immediately. ""I'll measure fr…

Verbal Irony SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY SAN FRANCISCO - The Daily Telegraph spoke to Jay Fullmer, 38, who became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony yesterday. 'It was weird,' Fullmer said, 'I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and shit and he said, like, ""great weather!"", or something like that.' Said Fullmer: 'And I thought - wait a minute, it's like, no way is it great weather.' Fullmer soon r…

My grandad was killed by a zulu He was having a shit in London zoo and the roof fell in.

Tom_Swifties with flatly 'I like pancakes' said Tom flatly 'My girlfriend needs a boob job' said Tom flatly 'I am not so inclined' said Tom flatly 'I have an apartment in London' said Tom flatly 'Sounds out of tune to me' said Tom flatly 'Just get the jack' said Tom flatly 'Ow, my arches have fallen!' said Tom flatly Any more ?

apropos for this week In the year 1806, a well-dressed man in his twenties visited a doctor who was renowned throughout London for being able to treat what nowadays we'd call depression, but back then was called melancholia. The patient explained that he felt overcome by a terrible sadness, that he didn't want to get up in the morning. He could not see any point in his existence. ""With your condition I would normally prescribe a course of my patent powders,"" said the doctor, ""but it so happen…

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Chinese man walks into a London bank Hands over a 1000 yuan and the cashier gives him 50 pounds in return. Next day Chinese guy goes into the same bank hands over 1000 yuan and this time the cashier gives him 45 pounds in exchange. Chinese man asks ""Why 50 pounds yesterday and onry 45 today?"" Cashier replires ""fluctuations"" Chinese guy says "" Well fluck you Blitish too!""

I went to London over the weekend and wore tracksuit bottoms in the hope of fitting in. How wrong I was. If I really wanted to fit in, I should have wore a turban.

A newlywed couple checks into their hotel room in London and as soon as the groom walks in, he calls room service... Husband: Hello room service? Room Service: Yes sir, can I help you? Husband: Hmm yes do you know Tom & Jerry? Room Service: Of course, Yes. Husband: Jerry is here.

What's the summer weather like for a London criminal? Hot, wet, and muggy.

Fluctuations I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke... I was at my bank today ( in London ); and there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, ""Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ""Fluctuations."" The Asian lady s…

Madonna is flying from New York to London . . . . . . and happens to be seated next to Oprah on the plane. They exchange pleasantries and settle in. Half way over the Atlantic ocean, the pilot comes on the PA and says, ""We just lost 3 engines. Prepare to go down in the ocean. Madonna grabs her carry-on and begins putting on diamond earrings, a diamond bracelet, and some diamond rings. ""What are you doing?"" Oprah asks. ""When the search team comes looking for us, their search light will hit my…

Falklands veteran A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: ""VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR."" The officer thought, ""Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!"" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took 20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: ""Gracias, Senor!""

I picked up a girl recently, she turned out to be a virgin. I said ""It's okay, all you need to do is lie back and think of England. Although in your case, I'd rather you lie back and think of London: don't make eye contact, and definately don't talk""

An Englishman is visiting Ireland for the first time... His first stop is Cork where he decides he wants to kiss the famous Blarney Stone. Unfortunately for him he hasn't a clue where the stone is, so he walks into a pub to ask for directions. He walks into the pub and yells, ""Alright Paddies, I'm visiting from London and I'm looking for someone to take me to kiss this famous Blarney's Stone I've heard so much about."" There's a small stir in the bar as every Irishman scowls at him, until one m…

Two Germans in London Two Germans wanted to visit London just a few months after the second world war. Because they are afraid that people will judge them for being German they decide to pretend like they are Englishmen. After a long day of site-seeing they walk into a pub to have a drink. They walk up to the bar and ask the barkeeper in perfect English: ""Could we have two sherries please?"" The bar keeper responds:""Dry?"" ""NEIN ZWEI!!!""

A 747 just landed at Heathrow Airport in London. After the captain shutdown the engines you could still hear the whining.

So I was buying a ticket for a train from London to Paris... And the man behind the desk said, ""Eurostar?"" So I replied, ""Well I've been on TV, but I'm no Johnny Depp!""

Two Pakistani gentlemen boarded a shuttle out of London for Lisbon. One sat in the window seat the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Indian got on and took the aisle seat next to the Pakistanis. He kicked off his shoes wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Pakistani in the window seat said ""I think I'll go up and get a Coke."" (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants but you probably knew that.) ""No problem,"" said the Indian. ""I'll get it for you."" While he was…

If you look at the number of mosques there are in London.... If you look at the number of mosques there are in London you can only come to one conclusion: Jesus is **** at Monopoly.

Topical Jokes 4/10 (Special mention to JonasPolsky, you've inspired me to write one a day!) - Spain is raising its age of consent from 14 to 16. Meanwhile the bankers at the European Central Bank are saying that they might not be able to keep their interest rate low for the next 2 years. - The French National Assembly have decided to put three artificial beehives on its roof to promote urban greenery. Meanwhile, inspired, the bees are now demanding 'liberty, equality and fraternity' after the Qu…

Muslim extremists have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London... Police think it might be the early start of Ram-a-dam.

John in here? A 35 year woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work in London. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bed room closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home at the same time. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, ""John in here."" The man says, ""Yes, it is"" Boy "" I have a baseball."" Man ""That's nice"" Boy ""Want to buy it?"" Man ""No, thanks…

An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar... An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says ""In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice"". The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots …