Lesson Jokes

practicing with the violin A little boy goes to his weekly violin lesson, but when he opens the violin case he blurts out a curse, and slams the case shut again. ""What's wrong?"" asks the teacher. ""It seems my father is going to rob the bank with my violin""

Jimmy approached his teacher After looking at the syllabus for their next lesson on graphing, Jimmy approached his teacher with a stern look on his face and said, ""I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!""

there were two kids in a sunday school... there were two kids in a sunday school named adam and mary, adam was sitting directly behind mary and everytime mary raised her hand to answer a question, adam found it amusing to poke her in the back with his pencil. ""todays lesson we will be answering three questions and then you may leave"" said the teacher. ""first, heres an easy one. who did the virgin mary give birth to?"" adam poked mary in the back with the pencil and she replied a little agriva…

Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don't do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!

Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.

The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.

Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.

Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson.

Here's a lesson that no matter how many times I learn it, I always forget: When a woman asks you for your opinion about something, she doesn't actually WANT your opinion; she just wants to hear her opinion said again with a deeper voice.

Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst …

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. ""Now, class. Observe closely the worms,"" said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. ""Now, what lesson c…

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created an experiment to make the point. Producing two glasses and two small worms, he first poured a small amount of water into one of the glasses. Putting in the first worm, he asked the class to observe it carefully. Of course, the worm swam about happily -- or as happy as a worm can be. Then he took the second glass, poured in a small amount of whiskey and dropped in the remaining worm. This worm wr…

A high-school geometry teacher, started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. ""If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles."" He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why. ""Well,"" he replied sincerely, ""I'm waiting until you start speaking English.""

Science Lesson Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, ""My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"" Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, ""You're a mother!""

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ""Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."" ""Yes,"" the class said. ""Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"" A little fellow shouted, ""Cause your feet ain't empty.""

God the Artist A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. ""Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"" A hand shot up in the air. ""He is an artist!"" said the kindergarten boy. ""Really?! How do you know?"" the teacher asked. ""You know - 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven...""

Golf Meditations If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. Any change works for a maximum of three holes . . . or at a mini…

What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson? He stank to the bottom of the pool!

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. ""Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor. ""P-u-t-t is correct'' he replied. ""Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.""

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer he said: ""Now students if I stood on my head the blood as you know would run into it and I should turn red in the face."" ""Yes sir"" the boys said. ""Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"" A little fellow shouted ""'It's because yer feet ain't empty.""

How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked ""Why Irish Mike this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks would it?"" ""That it is ""Irish Mike replied grimly ""ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."" ""You mean you pinched his honor?"" asked Pat. ""How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?"" demanded Mike. "…