Lesson Jokes

A girl comes back form school and tells her grandma that a boy at school has asked her out for a date. This being her first date, her grandma explains this to her-"If he tries to come near you or hug you, its fine. If he tries to kiss you, well thats fine too. But if he tries to lay you down and get on top of you, just push him and get out of there." The innocent girl confused asks "Why grandma?" Grandma replies-"Because then he will disgrace our family." The girl having learnt the lesson goes …

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body. “As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth. “Now do the same,” he instructs. The horrified students hesitate, but eventually…

How The Government Works One day, a teacher assigns her kids to do some homework; ask their parents/guardians what the government is, since that's their next lesson. Little Johnny, one of her students, goes home that night and asks his father. "Well," Dad says, "Think of it this way. I'm the president, Mom is the Congress, our maid is the work force, and your little brother is the rest of the citizens in the United States." "I don't think I get it," says Little Johnny, thinking about this obs…

Some musician related jokes Why can't a clarinet player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start talking dirty, his voice cracks. Why can't a French horn player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start making out, his hand goes to the wrong place. What do you call a euphonium player who isn't part of a military band? Unemployed How many tuba players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, one to hold it in place and the other to play pedal tones until the world starts to spin. A 6th grader d…

A professor is giving his class a lesson about languages. He says, "In some languages, a double negative stays negative, while in English, a double negative becomes a positive. There is no language, however, where a double positive becomes a negative." A student at the back of the class says, "Yeah, right."

Learning to play the bass Little Bobby Tavoli came to his father one day and said, "Father, I want to learn how to play the bass." Having been burned before when Little Bobby decided he wanted to learn something and then quit, Papa Tavoli replied, "That's fine Little Bobby, but you have to stick to it this time. After each lesson, I want you to show me what you've learned. I want to see that you can commit to practicing." Little Bobby agreed, and they went to the store and purchased a bass, a…

Little Johnny...again. A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give imp…

The train conductor So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he req…

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living... There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocut…

A LESSON IN MORALS One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When …

Benny and the Magic Urn Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. Benny was a simple man with simple talents and simple desires. He was a quiet fellow who loved to walk the beach when he had some time to spare. He was the kind of guy you wouldn't mind having a drink with, but anything more might be tedious. One day, as Benny was walking the beach, he stumbled over a small black jar-shaped object. Benny curiously picked it up and began to brush off the sand. *Woosh* Benny winced as sand fl…

There was once a group of Friars Who began selling flowers instead of cheese. They found great success in this new calling, so much they were putting a local florist shop out of business. The local florists were angry and decided to hire thugs to intimidate the friars into ceasing their flower sales. Thug after thug, no one was able to stop these men of God - until a man named Hugh made the friars scurry away from the town entirely! This important story teaches us a valuable lesson: only Hu…

The hero Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry. "Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you for Heaven. Can you tell me ANY good deed you've ever done?" Joe thinks for a moment and says "Sure. I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor gir…

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as …

There once was a Bulgarian who drove trains for a living... He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single bana…

A catholic school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked his students where Jesus was. "Yes Susie" he said as he called on Susie whose hand was raised. "He's in heaven!" She shouted with pride. He called on Steven who said "He was in his heart" The only boy left with his hand raised with had the most unusual answer "He's in my bathroom!" Everyone had a puzzled look on his/her face. "Yeah!" Said the boy.. "My father bangs on the door every morning saying 'Jesus Christ, ya still in t…

The Billionaire Kid. A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny, always the first with his hand up and always the naughtiest says “I wanna be a billionaire Miss” “I’ll be going to the most expensive clubs, take my best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day!”. The teacher is shocked and and is not quite sure how to dea…

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. Wh…

A young blonde... ...pilot is in her first flying lesson in a 2 seater plane. Her instructor all of a sudden get a heart attack and dies. "May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly!" She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic control. We can hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely. I have had a lot of experiences with this kind of problems. Now just take a deep breathe. Ev…

Little Timmy's english lesson... ...was about food today. "Good morning class" says the teacher, "today's lesson is about food! Let's start by mentioning things we can eat. Come on kids." Sally raises her arm "bread!" "Very good, Sally!" Says the teacher. "Cornflakes!" says Billy. "Good one, cornflakes! Anyone else?" Timmy raises his hand and yells "Lamps!' The teacher pauses for a moment, confused: "Lamps? You can't eat lamps, what made you think that?" Timmy: "well last night I was wa…

Announcement: An Update to the Rules of /r/Jokes Hey there, folks! As many of you are aware (and have raised concerns about), there's lately been a worrying rise in the amount of spam, the number of bots, and the presence of low-quality content. This hasn't been limited to /r/Jokes, but since we're a text-based subreddit, it has been more evident here than elsewhere. We've also seen a lot more in the way of karma-farming, with most of that happening in comments. You probably know how it goes:…

A lesson in conception Murphy’s old lady was pregnant & the time had come. He brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. ‘Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!   ‘Ain’t dat grand!” cried Murphy. ‘Hold on! We’re never finished yet!” exclaimed the doctor. The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, ‘Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter! She’s a pretty little thing.” Murphy look dazed but he smi…

One fine day, a fly was buzzing to and fro on a farm. As the day went on, he realized that he was getting hungry, so he fitted into the horse stables to find a bite to eat. A moment later he spotted an exquisite, freshly made horse apple... ... The fly zipped down toward the steaming pile of horseshit and landed right on the top. After saying his grace prayer to the great fly god for proving him this scrumptious meal, he dug in and just started gulping away at the beautiful turd before him. H…

My friend told us the longest joke i've ever heard and i dont even know if it makes sense **A guy was working on his job, then his boss asks him:** *-"Have you ever seen a Penguin?"* *-"I have never seen one"*, **the guy replies** *-"HOW IS IT THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE? GO TO HUMAN RESOURCES RIGHT NOW!"* **The guy goes to human resources:** *-"Hello, why are you here?"* *-"My boss sent me here because i have enever seen a penguin"* *-"HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUI…

A lesson in Marketing Ran into the guy who played Captain Kirk. After some small talk he began to tell me of a new business venture. But it was failing. I asked why he thought that was. He said... "Well I wanted to assert myself in the business world by shedding the Captain Kirk thing and naming a business after myself. But I should have avoided the designer clothing industry." Really, I asked? "Yes, said the former Sci Fi star... Turns out that nobody wants to buy Shatner Pants"