Kevin Jokes

Here are the top ten jokes from the 2014 Fringe Festival in Edinburgh Fancy a chuckle? 10. ""This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it."" (Felicity Ward) =8. ""I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own a-------."" (Kevin Day) =8. I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven."" (Jason Cook) 7. ""Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying."" (Scott Ca…

Little Johnny's Father Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, ""I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."" The first student raised her hand to volunteer. ""Marcy,"" the teacher said. ""You may go first."" Marcy replied, ""My father is a…

A man and a nun are sitting next to each other on the bus The man looks at the nun and says "" you know, I have never kissed a nun before"" the nun says no. She is a nun and is married to the church, but after much pestering from the man the nun finally breaks. "" I will kiss you but only if you are not married."" The man says he is single and then begins to kiss the nun passionately. Ten minutes after they are done kissing the man feels very guilty. ""I wasn't honest to you. I'm actually marrie…

Kevin Ware's leg Unfortunately Kevin Ware and his leg did not display the same structure and elasticity as his brother Tupper

A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: ""Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."" Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly…

Witch Doctor (If this joke offends you, I'm sorry. There's the door.) So this guy walks into a bar and orders two beers. He downs one and empties the other into his pocket. He orders a second round and does the same thing. After a couple more rounds of this the bartender gets kinda worried and says to the man ""You know, it's your money and your beer, so who am I to say what you can and can't do with it... I'd just hate to think you're making a mess I'll have to clean up."" The man looks at him …

I was Jesus last time! A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan , you be Jesus !'

the joke is kevin has aids dave goes in a store and he sees kevin in the store. kevin is his arch nemesis and a bad soccer player for the team the great whales and then kevin says with a large grin hello dave how is your soccer team doing this year. well dave is outraged and says my team is doing great we have a secret weapon this year. kevin has the air blown straight out of him when he hears this and goes in his mind ""oh no, a secret weaponthere's nothing i can do to stop it"" later at the so…

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,""Easy, William, we won't be long. Easy, boy."" Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, ""It's okay William, just a couple mo…

Deer Hunting Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do? Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove. ""Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"" ""Well, …

Deer Season Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do? Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove. ""Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"" ""Well, I…

There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: ""I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"". She answers, ""My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."" ""Well, I've always had a…

ttle Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better and to help with their spelling. She explained ""I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father spell it and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."" The first student raised her hand to volunteer. ""Marcy"" the teacher said. ""You may go first."" Marcy replied ""My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if …

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him. She knocks on the window and says ""Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."" The trucker just ignores her the light changes and he proceeds down the street. At the next light the blonde again catches up and says ""Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."" He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up all out of breath knocks on the window and …

Cell phone in public... After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss". "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life…

The most famous person of all times Who is the most famous person of all times. That was a subject of a contest among Catholic School's 5th graders with $100 prize. The teacher asked Jon first. He said it was Bill Clinton. The next one was Kevin who said it was Gorge Washington. After collecting responses from almost all participants the teacher with not much hope asked the last girl, Sarah, who happen to be Jewish. Sara raised and said. I think it was Jesus. The teacher was jubilant and pronou…

Strange new trend at the office People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

A young Julius Caesar and his friend were walking along... A young Julius Caesar and his friend Kevin were walking a Roman road. Caesar says "I'm really thinking about going all out this year and having a bust made of myself" to which Kevin replied..."Ughh...Don't get a-head of yourself".

The Divorced Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?" "Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be but didn't know how to close. Kevin was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Edward was an engineer; he und…

Cheerios An average Cheerio box has three levels. At the top is the realm of the complete, perfect Cheerios. These Cheerios live a life of luxury, with as much food and drink as they want, and little work to do. The second level of the box, the middle layer, is occupied by the imperfect but still mostly whole. These Cheerios have to work to survive, but life is manageable. The lowest level is occupied by the broken, destroyed fragments of Cheerios, that small children refuse to eat, and it is t…

My Sight A 90 year-old man who had played golf every day since his retirement 35 years before, arrived home furious and said to his wife, "That's it! I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and say, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try." "That's no good" he said. "Kevin's 103. He can't help." "He may be a 103, but his eyesight is perfect," replied the wife. The next day, he t…

A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows... "To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael , I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass building near tower bridge". With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your son…

Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine... "One liter of water." it read. Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair "This speaks volumes..."

The teacher asks her class for some examples of medicines tgey use at home Little Kevin promptly raises his hands and says, "Tylenol! For headaches!" The teacher says, "Very good, Kevin, anyone else?" Little Lisa answers from the back, "Um, Ambien, my Mom tells me it helps her sleep...?" The teacher smiles at her and says, "Good job, Lisa," then turns to her class and goes on, "Listen here children, always be careful with medicines at home, okay? Now, does anyone else have another example?" …