Johnnys Jokes

A Little Johnny Christmas Little Johnny's father was having trouble with his son. Little Johnny had a problem with cursing. Not knowing where to go, Johnny's father went to a psychologist about the problem. ""Here's what you do"", said the Psychologist. ""Christmas is coming up. Ask Johnny what he wants for Christmas and every time he answers and curses, leave a pile of dog crap where that present goes."" Later that day, Johnny's father asks his son what he wants for Christmas. Johnny replies ""…

Prom needed to be perfect... And it shaping up to be just that for Johnny. He was going to prom with the prettiest girl in school and it would be a night to remember, he just had to do a few things beforehand. Johnny went to get his tuxedo first and found the perfect tux, so he went to get it fitted. He waited in this enormous line for it and waited and waited and waited. He kept waiting and waited some more until he was fitted and paid for the suit. Next was flowers, so Johnny picked out a love…

Discipline is important A wife calls her husband into their son's room. She says, ""Look what I found under Johnny's bed!"" as she points to a suitcase filled with whips, paddles, canes, and cato'ninetails of every size, color, and material. ""What are we going to do with him?"" she asks. The father looks at the suitcase, looks at his son, and looks at his wife. He says, ""Whatever we do we shouldn't spank him.""

Snake in the garden. Little Johnny's dirty and needs a bath but hates taking them. He asks his mom if he can take a shower with her. She thinks about it a bit and agrees but makes him promise not to look up or down. While taking their shower Johnny looks up and asks, ""what are those?"" his mom says, ""they're flood lights"", then he looks down and asks, ""mommy what's that?"" she says, ""oh that's called a garden."" The next night same thing. Johnny doesn't want to take his bath. This time he a…

Dream Big A teacher asks her class, ""What do you want to be when you grow up?"" Little Johnny says ""I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to…

Little Johnny's Father Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, ""I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."" The first student raised her hand to volunteer. ""Marcy,"" the teacher said. ""You may go first."" Marcy replied, ""My father is a…

Johnny's mother and the bullet. Johnnny's mom was pregnant with twins, johnny and his Emma. While pregnant, she was robbed and shot twice in the stomach. The doctor said the babies would survive, but would piss out a bullet once they hit puberty. She gave birth, and some years later Emma came running to her mom saying, ""Mommy, mommy! I went to the bathroom and pissed out a bullet! So her mom told her what happened. A few days later, Johnny came running to his mother and said, Mommy mommy! Guess…

Little Johnny goes camping Little Johnny's Second Grade class is going camping for a class field trip. As nighttime comes, all the children get set up in their tents and get ready to fall asleep. A few hours go by, a storm approaches and thunder begins clapping, and little Johnny can't seem to sleep. Little Johnny gets out of his sleeping bag and wanders over to his teacher's tent. Little Johnny tells his teacher that on stormy nights like this, his mom lets him crawl into bed with her to keep h…

So it's little Johnny's turn to present for show and tell... So it's little Johnny's turn to present for show and tell. He goes up to the chalkboard and draws a period. The teacher then asks ""What is so special about a period?"" Little Johnny replies ""I don't know, but when my sister said she missed hers my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the neighbor shot himself!""

Little Johnny's first day in kindergarten Little Johnny is sitting in his kindergarten class when the teacher asks the following question: ""There are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of the birds. How many are left?"" Little Johnny raises his hand and says, ""There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the other two flew away when they heard the sound of the gunshot;"" to which the teacher replies ""No, Johnny, the answer is actually two, but I like the way you think."" …

Little Johnny's first day at School Little Johnny was the new kid at school. The teacher asked everyone to give him a welcome, as it was his first day in the classroom. A smart kid who sat in the corner laughed and announced ""Johnny? That's funny. If you make the J a P, switch the O and the H, and make the second N an E, your name spells 'Phoney' "". After the class laughs, Johnny says ""Yeah, that IS funny! What's your name?"" ""Tommy"", says the kid. Then Johnny says without missing a beat ""…

The Welding Mask It's Johnny's tenth birthday, so his mother gives him five bucks to go to the candy store down the street to buy whatever he wants. During his walk he goes through a construction site and sees a welding mask on the ground that he thinks is cool so he decides to pick it up and put it on. As he continues down the road wearing his awesome new welding mask, a limo pulls up next to him and an old man leans out and asks ""Hey kid, want some soda and free candy?"". Johnny thinks to him…

Some homework help Johnny asks his father for help on his history homework. He asks, ""How do capitalism and government work?"" And the father replies that his mother is the government, since she controls the most in the household. The father is capitalism, since he is the breadwinner of the family. The maid is the working class, Johnny is the people, since he answers to his parents, and his younger brother is the future. Johnny says he needs a night to think it over. Later that night, Johnny wa…

Johnny is walking home form school... Johnny is walking home from school. He received a bad grade on a test and then got in trouble at school. Walking up his small farm driveway he knows he is going to be in trouble and is a bad mood. On his way to the door a chicken walks in front of him. Out of anger Johnny walks over and says"" Damn chicken"" and kicks it. Further up the path a pig comes trotting over and oinks at him. ""damn pig, what are you looking at?' He then kicks the pig sending it awa…

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in 'the act'. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims ""Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy star…

Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked four-year old Johnny to answer the phone. Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. ""Mommy, It's the minister,"" he said to his mother. From the kitchen Johnny's mom said, ""Tell him I'll call him back."" Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, ""Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.""

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, ""Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."" The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand. After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as fa…

One Sunday morning the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time so the priest walked up stood beside the boy and said quietly ""Good morning Little Johnny."" ""Good morning Father"" replied the young man still focused on the plaque. ""Father Scott what is this?"" Little Johnny asked. ""W…

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures of the ten most wanted men tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer ""it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there.""

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom and closes the door. ""First Johnny I want you to take off my blouse"" she said so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. ""O.K. now take off my skirt"" and he takes off her skirt. ""Now ta…

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said ""Now son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best…

Oh johnny.. Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s ne…

Just another Johnny joke One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?" "Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad. Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom." "No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher. Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the gar…

Dirty Johnny's mom is in the kitchen cooking dinner... Johnny runs up to her, tugs on the tails of her skirt-- "Momma, are we having shrimp for dinner?" She tells him, "No, Johnny, we're having meatloaf." Johnny says, "Oh. Well, Grandma's having shrimp!" "What do you mean Grandma's having shrimp?" So Johnny takes his mom's hand, leads her into the living room-- and there's Grandma on the couch. She's sleeping like a rock, lit cigarette in her mouth, and her bathrobe's slumped off to the side…

Little johnny's balloon A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. 'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off!.' You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he l…