Desert Island Jokes

In Memory of Ronnie Corbett Here's some of his best jokes - A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals. - We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet. - A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips …

A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're …

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island... To get back to the mainland, they must swim 100 miles. The redhead swims 70 miles, and drowns. The brunette swims 90 miles, and drowns. The blond swims 50 miles, but gets tired, and swims back to the island to rest.

Three men on an island survive a crash A plane crash lands on a deserted island, only three men survive. A white guy, a black guy, and an Asian guy. The three decide to work together so they utilize their professions to survive. The white guy was an architect so it was his job to design the shelter, the black guy worked in construction so he'd build the shelter, the Asian guy ran a convenience store so he was in charge of the supplies. A couple hours pass, the shelter is up and the white guy …

A genie and an idiot Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

World War II Pilots crash on a deserted island World War II is in full force, and a Japanese biplane and an american plane both crash after a dogfight on a deserted jungle island. An American pilot, a German Pilot, and one Japanese pilot meet on the beach and figure they'll call a truce until they're rescued. "Alright you guys" says the American. "I'll get the fire going. You go into the forest and find anything to help set up a camp." The german goes off to look for food, and tells the Jap…

A man was stranded on a desert island... ...for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit. Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!” Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. Man: "Oh, thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten y…

A Dutch, A German and A French stranded on an Island.. They Screamed "Help!" Into the Jungle but nobody answered. The next day they did the same but nobody answered and nobody came to help. The next day they did it again and finally someone came to help them. It were some native people who lived there for a looong time. The leader of them said in a perfect English "Greetings fellow people I am Kunta Kinte. I am the leader of this tribe. We are cannibals and we are going to eat every single one …

If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring? Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash. Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says: "Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to the first guy, "and the other day it's the other". And so they have a whale of time taking turns, enjoy…

My Irish mom always told jokes about wee Paddy. This one was always my fave. There was an Englishman, a Scot and wee Paddy from Ireland all stranded on an island. They found a genie lamp and they rubbed it and a genie appeared and said they had three wishes. They quickly decided they would each get one. The Englishman wished to be back home with his family. *Poof* he was gone. The Scot made the same wish. *Poof* he was gone. It was Paddy's turn and he thought long and hard about what to wish fo…

Three guys in a plane crash on a deserted island... One day, several years later, a bottle washes up on the beach. One of the guys opens it to reveal that it contains a genie! The two others rush over when they see what's going on. The genie says "Normally, I give the person who finds my bottle three wishes, but since there are three of you, I'll give you each one." She turns to the guy who found the bottle and says, "What is it that you desire?" The man thinks for a moment, then says "Well, I'…

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzi…

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in a desert... A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in a desert, when they come across a magical lamp, which the blonde then rubs repeatedly. A genie then comes out of the magic lamp, and promises to grant one wish for each of the girls. The brunette says "I just want to go home!" she is then teleported back home, safe and sound. The redhead says "I want to go back home!" she is also teleported back home. The blonde then says "I…

If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you? I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump.

A Swede, an Icelander and a Norwegian end up shipwrecked on a deserted island. One day, as they are scouring the beaches for firewood, they come across an old oil lamp, washed ashore. The Swede picks it up and wipes it gently with his shirt sleeve, clearing the sand and the dirt. Out pops a spirit. The spirit says: "I have been trapped inside that lamp for a millennium due to a magic spell. Finally I have been set free. As a token of my gratitude, I will grant you one wish each." The Swede st…

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are stranded on a desert island. One day, a bottle washes ashore. They open it, and out pops a genie. The genie says that, in gratitude for freeing him, each of them gets one wish. The brunette says "I wish I were back home." So the genie sends her home. The redhead says "I wish I were back home." So the genie sends her home. The blonde, distraught, says "I wish they were back here so I wouldn't have to be alone on this island!"

A man is stranded on a desert island A few months go by when suddenly a beautiful woman walks out of the ocean wearing a wet suit She says it looks like you've been here a long time I bet you'd like something to eat. He says yeah, so she unzips a pocket and pulls out a sandwich Then she says I bet you'd like a drink. He says yeah, so she unzips another pocket and pulls out a flask She then says I bet you'd like to play around and starts to pull down the main zipper He says don't tell m…

Chatting in the pub with my Scottish pal and I was stuck on a crossword clue; "Stranded on a Desert Island (8)" "Marooned?" He said. I replied “Oh nice one, I’ll have another beer but I still need an answer when you come back.”

"My God will save me..." A minister is living in a 3-story house by himself when it starts raining. It continues to rain for quite a while, and before long, the floodwaters start to rise, so he goes up to the 2nd floor. He's by a window, when 2 men looking for those stranded in their homes float past in a row boat. "Father, get in, and we'll take you to safety!" says one of the men. The minister replies, "Thank you for the offer, but I've devoted my life to God. I have faith that my God will sa…

Three blondes are stranded on an island. A fairy comes along and says that she will grant each person a wish. So the first blonde says she wants to be really smart so she digs in her bag, and finds a cell phone and calls the Army. The second blonde says that she wants to be even smarter so she finds a flair in her purse, and fires it off. The third blonde says that she wants to be even smarter than both of them, so the fairy changes her hair color to black and she says,"Let's go over the bridge…

Pirates on the island Three castaways - Arthur, Claude, and Oki - were stranded on an island for three days after their plane crashed. Together, they've been gathering food, water, and firewood in order to survive until help arrives. Then one day, Arthur was hurriedly running back into the other two. "Hurry," he said to them. "Hide yourselves. There are pirates on the island!" "Pirates?" asked Claude. "Don't be silly. They've been gone a long time ago." "No, really," insisted Arthur. "Let's …

The Genie (sorry if this has been posted before) Three friends are stranded on a desert island. All they want is to go home, but no ships have passed by and they are quite alone in the middle of nowhere. One day, one of them digs a hole and, to his surprise, pulls out a lamp. "Maybe it's a magic lamp. Rub it and let's see if a genie appears!" one of the men shouts. The man who found it gently wipes the grit from the lamp and, to his astonishment, smoke pours from the spout to curl around their …

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician join a study on scientists' ability to survive in the wild All three are left in different part of a desert island overnight, each with a can of beans but no openers. The researchers come back in the morning to check on the scientists. The engineer is sleeping soundly, next to an open can. Once woken up, he explains: "Well tin cans aren't that strong, so I kept bashing this can against a rock many times, until it gave in and opened up". The phys…

A man rescues a "pirate" from a deserted island. After inviting the apparent pirate onto his boat, he asks whether it is harder to plunder ships with a wooden leg, hook for a hand, and eye patch. The man promptly replies "actually, I'm not a pirate." "Oh really? Then what's with the wooden leg?" "I was trying to swim out of the island. A shark bit my leg off and I had to replace it with this plank of wood." "Well, what about the hand?" "While foraging for food in the island, a snake bit my…