Carl Jokes

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.'' The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.'' The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can …

Like something you'd find on laffy taffy On a scale of 1-10 how high was Carl? 420

Woman Admits To Sleeping With Husband's Brother and Husband replies Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new ne…

Two men go hunting... Carl and Miles are strolling through thick woods on the way to their cabin, when they come up on a strange, deep hole in the ground. ""That's weird, you see that?"", says Carl. ""Yea, I wonder how deep it is..."" Miles replies. Carl grabs a small rock and tosses it down the hole. Seconds go by, and no sound is heard. Miles looks at Carl... ""Something heavier"". Both of the men spot an old anchor sitting on the ground a few yards away. Miles grabs it first. ""Jesus this is …

Carl was annoying Carl walked into a street shop. the first thing he did was cough very loudly. e b 9

The sore throat Carl, a young man, woke up and suffered from an awful sore throat and all but lost his voice. The small town's doctor operated out of his own home, so Carl made his way over, scratching at his sore throat. Dr. Wendell's wife answered the door, ""Yes?"" Carl, in a very quiet, breathy voice replied, ""Is the doctor in?"" Mrs. Wendell replied in the same whispering tone, ""No.... come on in!"" *-Groucho Marx*

Two idiots, Bill and Carl, were digging a ditch. As they sweated, they noticed their supervisor leaning on a fence, enjoying his coffee. ""How come he's up there and we're down here?"" asked Bill. ""I dunno, go ask him!"". Bill climbed out and marched over to the supervisor. ""Hows come you're up here sipping coffee and we're slaving away?"" The supervisor looked at him. ""Bill, let me show you. I'll put my hand on this post, and you try to smash it with your shovel, ok?"" Bill took a mighty swi…

Joe and the spoon Joe and Carl are roommates.One time when Carl returned from job he saw Joe in the kitchen hitting his wrist with a spoon.Carl asked Joe what is he doing. Joe answered -I'm gonna kill myself. Carl facepalmed and said: -Why don't you try with a knife ? Joe rolled his eyes and said: -I already tried, but it hurts too much.

Three friends were on a desert island. They were Roger, a married man, Carl, a famous athlete, and Stevie, the third friend usually alone. One day, while working on their survival, they came across a brass lamp on the ground. They each took turns cleaning it, when all of the sudden a genie came out! All three were startled by the billowing form of the genie hovering over them, and watched in awe. The genie spoke, saying ""I have been asleep for ten thousand years. Who awoke me?"" Roger said, ""W…

A man finds a gorilla in his tree. One morning a man wakes up and looks out his second-story window only to see a big mean looking gorilla sitting in his tree. A bit panicked, he googles ""gorilla removal"" and finds a local animal removal service. The removal service owner responds that he will be right over. A half hour later there's a knock at the door and Carl, the Animal Remover, steps inside. On the kitchen table Carl sets down a pool cue, a small kennel containing an very cranky chihuahua…

Country boys learn the ways of the world One fine night, hot blonde Gina has her car break down on a lonely highway. Since no mechanic is in sight, and no car seems to pass by to ask for a lift, she knocks at the door of the nearest house she can find. She's greeted by an unwilling old man. She explains her situation to him, saying that she just needs a place to stay for the night...the grumpy old man finally relents, and tells his dumb but innocent sons, Gary and Carl to sleep in the living roo…

In 1905 there were two boys sitting outside the Hofbrauhaus in Munich, Germany.... One boy, Carl, had just traded his sandwhich with another boy when his mother called him home. Angry with her son, the mother asked, ""CARL ORFF, why did you trade that chicken sandwhich I worked so hard on for you?!"" Carl replied, ""O Fortuna salad.""

Who are you?!? She is walking down a dark street on her way home when she hears footsteps. Believing she is being followed and not wanting to be mugged she hides behind a tree and, as the stalker passes, she jumps up and grabs him by the balls! ""WHO ARE YOU?"" she shouts at the man as she twists and pulls his balls. He mumbles something but she can't understand him. ""WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?"" she shouts again as she twists his balls harder squeezing them with all her strength. ""Car…

What was Carl Sagan's favorite drink? Cosmos.

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to …

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl Bob and Brett they were a little confused at their present situation and they were startled to see a door in the wall open and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4"" dirty and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard ""Brett you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"" And Brett was whisked through the door by a g…

Three men end up in hell Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was …

3 Guys find a Genie in an Indoor swimming pool. Genie: "Okay, all of you will get on the springboard, say what they wish to be in the pool it will be in there." Max: "I want money!" And so he jumps in a pool of money. Peter: "I want Chocolate" and so he jumps into a pool of chocolate. Carl slips off the springboard and screams "SHIT!"

A man comes out of the bathroom and says to his wife.. Honey, I've just taken a dump that weighed a whole kilo! His wife curls her lip and replies "Oh Carl, did you stand on the scales before and after going to the to loo?" The husband responds: "Oh, I guess I could have done it that way too."

Inspection visits a mental asylum Director shows them around. Eventually they stumble across the room with a single patient sitting on a bed and laughing. "Why is he laughing?" Inspector asks. "Oh, that's Carl, he tells jokes to himself" Director responds "And why did he stop laughing?" "He'd already heard that one"

There was a very wealthy Count named Carl He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from. One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, however. So eventually they threatened him with execution. Count Carl insisted that he would take the secret of his wealth to the grave, even when they dragged him…

I sometimes ponder the etymology of the names of geographic features. For example, I understand why the Grand Canyon has its name. However, I can't fathom what Carl might have done in those caverns that's so bad.

500 dollars Dave, Carl and Carl's wife, sara were playing cards on Thursday morning. Dave's card fell under the table and when he went down to get it, he saw that Sara was not wearing underwear. Dave got back up and went to kitchen to get some refreshment. Sara followed her into the kitchen and asked, "did you like what you saw under there?". Shocked by her boldness, Dace hesitantly replied positively. Sara then said, "you can have it but it costs $500" Dave agreed to pay that sum for it. S…

Al, Ben, and Carl were stranded on a deserted island. One day Al found an old jar in the sand. When the jar was opened, a genie came out and said to them, "You have freed me from my jar. For the rest of your time on this island, I am obligated to grant each of you one wish per year. But no wishing anyone, including yourself, off the island." "In that case," said Al, "I wish for 365 books, so that I can read one per day for a year." Instantly, 365 books appeared. "I wish for 365 cans of beer,"…

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations. She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.