Bmw Jokes

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'. . . and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and convey…

BMW Shopping A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber a…

Three man dies and goes to heaven.. Three man dies and goes to heaven where it has been decreed that to each will be given a vehicle to use in heaven according to their deeds. First man arrives and St. Peter asks "How long were you married for?" "20 years" answered the first man. "And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "5 times" He said.. "So be it" answered St. Peter, "You may enter, but you will receive only a Toyota Corolla" Second man arrives, St. Peter asks the same ques…

A man buys a new BMW... He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls over. The cop comes up and says to the man. Son, I'm at the end of my shift and you just racked up a ton of charges and paperwork for me. I'll tell you what, if you can give …

Tiger's balls On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?", asks the att…

What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? On a porcupine, all the pricks are on the outside!

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored? The turn signals.

Karma hits you in the face Three women dies for some unknown reason, they dont know each other. We can call them Sara, Jenna and Robyn. Before they can enter heaven, they needed to answer a simple question asked by God. Sara was the first in line, God asked her: How many times have you cheated? Sara looked at God and answers: I've cheated 4 times. God Answers: Here in heaven you get to drive a Volvo from year 92. Sara jumps in the car and drove away. Next up was Jenna. God asked her: Ho…

A Chinese man goes to the optician A Chinese man goes to the optician and the doctor tells him he has a Cataract. That Chinese man says "no, I have a BMW".

A little-known risk with blood transfusions . . . A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood, in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After successful surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for g…

What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? In a BMW, the prick is on the inside.

Good news and Bad news wife: i have a good news and a bad new. Husband: i am very busy.Just give me good news. wife: The airbags worked properly in our new BMW.

A Scottish joke An Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found
locally, the call went out around the world. Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the 
Arab. After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond n…

I can use some help with some painting . . . A man looking for food and shelter comes upon a cozy house on a nice, small farm. When the farmer answers the door, the man asks him, “Can you spare me something to eat? I haven’t eaten in several days and I'm not picky.” The farmer says, “I never give anything away for free. I can give you food and even a place to stay tonight in the barn, but only if you're willing to work for it. The porch out back really needs a new coat of paint. Interested?” …

A dozen guys are changing in the golf club's locker room Suddenly, a cell phone starts ringing. One of the guys answers it. 'Hi!' 'Hi honey, it's me,' says a female voice. 'Are you still at the golf club?' 'Yeah.' 'Wonderful! I'm two streets away. I just saw this amazing Persian fur coat. It's truly marvelous. Can I buy it?' 'How much do they want for it?' '*Only* $1,000!' 'Well, go for it if you like it so much...' 'Oh honey, just five minutes ago I saw a splendid new Mercedes at the c…

A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and taps gently on the door When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a go…

The other day I was surprised to see a BMW use its turn signal correctly I didn't realize BMW had already achieved full self-driving.

Today CEO of my company came in to the office in a brand new BMW. “Nice car”, I complimented him. “Well”, he said, “if you put in enough time, effort, and dedication, and work as hard as you can then next year I’ll have even a better car.”

Can you find my wife? Husband: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Garda Station: What is her height? Husband: Ara jaysus, I'm not sure. About 5 or 6 feet. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Middling. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Sort of browny bluey green I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What…

Horse and chicken are hanging in farmer Brown's yard. Horse laid down in great big mud puddle to cool off. He took a nap and when he woke, he was sunk to his haunches and couldn't get up. "He-e-e-lp me chicken! I'm stuck! Go get farmer brown to pull me out with the tractor." 《Buak》" can't do it. Farmer brown's out plowing the back 40. It'll take me all day. But i gotcha." Chicken jumped in farmer brown's wife's bmw and backed up to horse. He threw a harness on horse and tied it off to the …

A shepherd is tending his flock in a remote pasture… …when suddenly a shiny red BMW appears. The driver is a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes and Polarized sunglasses. He sticks his head out the window and asks the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at him, and agrees. The driver plugs his cell phone into a laptop and connects it to a GPS and starts a remote body-heat scan of the area. During the pro…

Beware of BMW owners during the zombie apocalypse. They’ll never tell you when they’re turning.

My friend just quit his job at BMW. He gave no indication he was leaving.

On the farm A horse and a chick go for a walk. The horse gets stuck in the mud and yells to the chick to help me I’m stuck. The chick runs back to the farm to get the farmer but the farmer has gone to town with the tractor. So the chick sees the new BWM and grabs a rope and jumps into the BMW and drives to the mud hole and throws a rope over the horses neck and drags him out of the mud hole and saves his life. A week later, they are going for a walk in the woods and the chick falls in a small…

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? BMW have pricks on the inside.