My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well she’s in for a shock.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?... Their knees. (Not sure if this one translates well to english) EDIT: Wow guys I didn't think you would like this joke that much. This was something I read on a book like 6 years ago. Thanks!

I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed It's not my fault they don't have Windows

An Irish guy walks out of a bar.... It could happen.

I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

6:30 is the best time on a clock... ...hands down.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. We are efficient and dont have humour. Edit: Wow this blew up. As a German, I didnt expect this.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it.......... He's gay, definitely gay.

Two scientists walk into a bar. "I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy" Credit to my friend Chris

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself

I have two requirements in my will.... 1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World 2) I do not want to be cremated.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they are dead.

Why did Obama get two terms? Because black men always get a longer sentence

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous? Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all *Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified* Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

Why do Indians hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land. Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox. Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus: A table for 26, please. Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you. Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally.... So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''

WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!! WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!? LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!?!? *NEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW* Edit: Wow, this really took off.

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun has only one trigger.

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.