Police are like a box of chocolates.... They'll kill your dog.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: You can hide, but you can't run.

I went to the Reddit restaurant All of its servers were busy...

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?" The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale." The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!" The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box.

Why does Kylo Ren have no friends? Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

My mom dropped this one on me Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!" I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth. Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds. Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!

Just asked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" ...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist. It's called 'Facebook'

I like my women like I like my microwave Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda... Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying... He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?" "The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong." "Why, what did you answer?" "The Empire State Building." "Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective. Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up." Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D... ... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

Today I quit drinking for good now I only drink for evil

A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy. The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?” The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?” The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral!”

My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast. I'll see myself out.